Add a drop of lavender to milk, leave town with an orange, and pretend you’re laughing at it.
BILL BAILEYIt’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
More Bill Bailey Quotes
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My wife bought me a vintage Gibson guitar that isn’t just beautiful but has tremendous sentimental value. I have plenty of guitars for live gigs but this is one to treasure.
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I’m quite lucky, because I’ve got a small, decorative concrete pig.
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How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! …no eight!
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The BBC did a survey of the top 50 things to do before we die. Not while we’re still alive, before we die.
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There’s more evil in the charts than an Al-Qaeda suggestion box.
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Contentment is knowing you’re right. Happiness is knowing someone else is wrong.
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Tonight’s show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn’t – haven’t made my mind up yet.
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I know that to be a true fact because I read it in Heat magazine
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I’m English, and as such I crave disappointment. That’s why I buy Kinder Surprise. Horrible chocolate; nasty little toy: a double-whammy of disillusionment! Sometimes I eat the toy out of sheer despair.
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Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door.
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I suppose you could be a member of a terrorist organization in a non-violent way, in the laundry or the catering department.
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Live comedy’s a very reckless, foolhardy profession. You’re only as good as your last gig so earnings fluctuate.
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But our country’s equivalent of gritty reality is more like “Look out Sarge, he’s got a shooter!”
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Television is where you earn regular money so you can plan a little bit but even then only when you have a regular gig. If you’re just doing the odd appearance, you don’t know if it will carry on.
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I’m sort of like a post-modern vegetarian; I eat meat ironically.
BILL BAILEY