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I don’t know how many of you have been to New York, but if a building is two blocks away from anything, you can’t see it.

Al Franken

Today I will masterbate! Okay, that was a mistake. I should have written “Today I will masterbate–if I want to!
AL FRANKEN

Masturbate Mistake Okay Today Want Written
During Vietnam, I was in college, enjoying my student deferment. The government wisely felt that, in my case, military service was less important than completing my studies to prepare me for my chosen career: comedian.
AL FRANKEN

Career College Country Deferment Enjoy Military Student
They had developed all these bad habits of being objective and balanced and stuff like that.
AL FRANKEN

Bad Balance Develop Habit Like Objective Stuff
Our laws need to reflect the evolution of technology and the changing expectations of American society. This is why the Constitution is often called a “living” document.
AL FRANKEN

Change Country Evolution Expectation Law Meed Reflect Society Technology
Asking the question whether the mainstream media has a liberal or conservative bias is like asking whether al Qaeda uses too much oil in their hummus.
AL FRANKEN

Asking Conservative Human Liberal Like Mainstream Media Much Oil Question Thinking Whether
If you use Facebook – as I do – Facebook in all likelihood has a unique digital file of your face, one that can be as accurate as a fingerprint and that can be used to identify you in a photo of a large crowd.
AL FRANKEN

Digital Face Facebook Fingerprint Life Likelihood Photo Unique Use
Let’s not let the government sell us out. Let’s fight for net neutrality.
AL FRANKEN

Fight Government Net Neutrality Out Sell
Antitrust law isn’t about protecting competing businesses from each other, it’s about protecting competition itself on behalf of the public.
AL FRANKEN

Antitrust Business Compete Competition Each Other Law Protect
Ralph Nader is a hero. I know Ralph, and I call him up occasionally. He’s helped me out on a couple of occasions when I’ve given speeches to corporations where he’d have a good… He’d give me some good information.
AL FRANKEN

Call Couple Give Good Help Hero Know Occasionally Speech
I think Clinton fatigue was a real thing. It’s just hard to get comfortable with Gore.
AL FRANKEN

Comfortable Hard King People President Real Think
If we have George W. Bush as president, we’re going to go back to the kind of policies we had when his father and Ronald Reagan were president.
AL FRANKEN

Back Father Going Kind Person Policy President
If 98 out of 100 doctors tell me I’ve got a problem, I should take their advice.
AL FRANKEN

Advice Doctor Problem Snack Take Teall Two
Call-time has renewed my faith in the need for public financing of elections. Call-time is where I as the candidate, sit in a room with my “call-time manager,” and a phone. Then I call people and ask them for money. For hours. Apparently, I’m really good at it.
AL FRANKEN

Ask Call Candidate Election Faith Finance Manage Money Need People Phone Public Renew Room Time
To ask whether the mainstream media has a conservative or liberal bias is like asking whether al-Qaida uses too much oil in their hummus. It’s – I think they might use too much oil in their hummus – but it’s the wrong question.
AL FRANKEN

Ask Bias Conservative Liberal Like Mainstream Much Oil Think Use
And if those two other doctors get paid by Big Snack Food, like certain climate deniers get paid by Big Coal, I shouldn’t take their advice.
AL FRANKEN

Advice Big Certain Climate Coal Denier Doctor Food Other Paid Snack
Whining is anger through a small opening.
AL FRANKEN

Anger Inspirational Open Small Whin

I don’t know how many of you have been to New York, but if a building is two blocks away from anything, you can’t see it.

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I don’t know how many of you have been to New York, but if a building is two blocks away from anything, you can’t see it.

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