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I sincerely want to meet the girl that was meant for me, but I want to sleep with the girls that weren’t.

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Funny Girl Humor Meant Meet Sincerely Sleep

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One day in the shower, you figure it out. It’s a special day in a man’s life. I was like, ‘Oh, I found me a hobby.’
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Day Figure Funny Hobby Humor Life Man Shower Special
Ladies, your happiness is very important to us. You have to understand that. Because when you’re happy, you let us touch you.
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Funny Happiness Happy Humor Important Ladies Touch
There’s no dating in the animal kingdom. No dinner, no movie – just a quick sniff, ‘Alright, let’s go.’
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Alright Animal Dating Dinner Funny Go Kingdom Movie No Quick Sniff
Oh, it may sound crass, but just check the color when you come home. ‘Hi honey. Infernal red? Oh boy, I ain’t getting laid, and I gotta cut the lawn, I know it.’
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Color Come Crass Funny Home Honey Infernal Sound
The girls are beautiful in Hollywood – and enough silicon to caulk a sink.
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Beautiful Caulk Funny Girl Hollywood Silicon Sink
I am a Catholic. Basically, the Catholic religion is ‘If it feels good – stop.’
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Basically Catholic Feel Funny Good Humor Religion Religious Stop
You can do that: you send away to the Philippines, and they send you a wife. The only thing is, once you’re on their mailing list, they keep sending you a relative a month whether you want it or not.
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Away Country List Mailing Month People Relative Thing Wife
If you look at a group of people that had faith, it’s got to be the Jews. They followed Moses through the desert for 40 years with no map. There had to be one guy in the back, like, ‘I don’t think he knows where he’s going.’
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Faith Followed Funny Humor Moses People Thinking Group
I love that magazine, man – Victoria’s Secret – and it comes, like, every three hours.
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Every Funny Hour Humor Like Magazine Man Three
Sex is important to guys. We need stories to tell our friends.
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Go to bed.’ ‘Don’t you feel like we’re soul…’
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I love my girlfriend, don’t get me wrong. I truly love this woman, but I have the ability to have sex without any emotional involvement. It’s a gift.
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Ability Emotional Environment Funny Gift Girlfriend Love Sex Truly Woman Wrong
I talk a lot about women in my act, ’cause let’s face it — if I was hungry, I would talk about food.
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Cause Face Food Funny Humor Hungry Lot Talk Women
I think human arrogance will be the demise of civilization.
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Arrogance Civilization Demise Human Thinking
I woke up my pop in the middle of the night ’cause the boogie man’s under my bed.
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Bed Boogie Funny Hurt Man Middle Night Pop Running Under
My dad was a big car guy. If you wanted to spend time with my dad, he was working on the car.
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Car Dad Guy Money Spend Trust Vehicle Wanted Working

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