I think the longer Britain is in Europe the better.
BILLY CONNOLLYWhenever I wear something expensive it looks stolen.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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A mate of mine has just told me he’s shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said “her brothers got a moustache!”
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Well, the film’s not only pricking the pomposity of the Church, it’s pricking the pomposity, and sometimes you would think fraudulence, of the insurance companies.
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For me, it’s about the desire to win. My audience becomes a crowd of wild animals and I have to be the lion-tamer or be eaten.
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I used to be a folk singer, but I was… dreadful. I had a voice like a goose farting in the fog.
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When people say “it’s always the last place you look”. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it?
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Oh aye…my Father would thrash me every now and then. He’d talk while he did it too! He’d hit me and shout, ‘Have ye had enough?’ Had enough? Whit kind of question is that? ‘Why, Father, would another kick in the balls be out of the question???’
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When I was 12, we went from Glasgow to Aberdeen on a school trip. It was called fresh air fortnight.
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There’s nothing better than a fight, especially when you’re watching it from a safe place. You can yell encouragement! Hit him with the left, he’s a big Jessie!
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Whenever I wear something expensive it looks stolen.
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Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. “Is this yours?” she asked “probably” said Paddy “she burns everything else”
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I spent the whole time battering people I liked and singing with my arm round people I loathed.
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Killing a guy and stealing his wife and child isn’t too nice a thing to do.
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American sex shops are the most bizarre. They sell these inflatable dolls, but they also sell just the head — supposedly for people to drive along the highway with.
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I don’t have wild dogs chasing people with scripts away from my door. I get my share. I’ve done okay. But I usually do independent stuff because that’s mostly what I’m offered.
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I don’t think I’ve ever died on stage. I’ve had jokes that died on stage. I’ve told a joke and absolutely nothing. They didn’t know it was the end of the joke.
BILLY CONNOLLY