I decided to stop drinking while it was still my idea.
BILLY CONNOLLYI don’t aim to offend.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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Don’t buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They’re bastards, and they do it on purpose.
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I don’t believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It’s on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it’s supposed to give you a parking space. It’s worked so far.
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Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?
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Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.
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I’m a citizen of the world. I like it that way. The world’s a wonderful. I just think that some people are pretty badly represented. But when you speak to the people themselves they’re delightful. They all want so little.
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I’d never consciously left home to see a zombie movie. They were fine by me, but I had no intention of ever being in one. But I’ve been learning more about it as I’ve been doing interviews. I
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My advice to you, if you want to lose a bit of weight: don’t eat anything that comes in a bucket. Buckets are the kitchen utensils of the farmyard.
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Life is supposed to be fun. It’s not a job or occupation. We’re here only once and we should have a bit of a laugh.
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I think the longer Britain is in Europe the better.
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Never trust people who’ve only got one book.
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Don’t tell me how to do my job. I don’t come to your workplace and tell you how to sweep up.
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I loathe hecklers. I haven’t got a good syllable to say. When you come out of the club circuit and into the concert hall, they should be gone.
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Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways.
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Whenever I wear something expensive it looks stolen.
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Don’t vote, it only encourages them.
BILLY CONNOLLY