People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that’s an image I really didn’t need.
BILLY CONNOLLYI don’t aim to offend.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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I was brought up as a Catholic. I’ve got A-level guilt.
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I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce – my main thrust was the body and its functions and malfunctions – the absurdity of the thing.
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I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce.
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I became a welder. I was actually becoming an Engineer and I joined the wrong queue. And so I became a welder, without knowing what a welder was.
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Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. “Is this yours?” she asked “probably” said Paddy “she burns everything else”
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The more you know the less the better.
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I’d always been scared of people with tertiary education and high intellects in case they found me wanting. I thought they viewed me as just a welder who knew a few jokes.
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As soon as I got successful, the Scottish press started picking on me. It’s something they reserve just for me.
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I spent the whole time battering people I liked and singing with my arm round people I loathed.
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I don’t aim to offend.
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I decided to stop drinking while it was still my idea.
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I hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather. There’s no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing.
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If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?
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People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
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My advice to you, if you want to lose a bit of weight: don’t eat anything that comes in a bucket. Buckets are the kitchen utensils of the farmyard.
BILLY CONNOLLY






