“BTW A 24 week old embryo is not a human being. You’re not a human being until you’re in my phone book.”

See we just had a misunderstanding. I thought we lived in the U.S. of A., the United States of America. But actually we live in the U.S. of A., the United States of Advertising. Freedom of expression is guaranteed? If you’ve got the money!

I get a kick out of being an outsider constantly. It allows me to be creative.

You think when Jesus comes back, he really wants to see a cross? That’s like going up to Jackie Onassis with a rifle pendant on.

England, where no one has guns: 14 deaths. United States…23,000 deaths from handguns. But – there’s no connection.

The Voice of Reason is in us all…and everyone can recognize it because it makes sense and everyone benefits from it equally.

Don’t worry; don’t be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride.

The economy that’s fake anyway! Ha ha ha! Which would be a real bummer. You know. You can see why the government’s cracking down… on the idea of experiencing unconditional love, ah.

Dinosaur fossils were placed in rocks by prankster God just to make human beings think the world is older than it is.

Nicotine patches are great. Stick one over each eye and you can’t find your fags.

How would you like to get inside that guy’s mind and look around for a hour? That guy sees opportunity at every glance, doesn’t he?

I believe that God left certain drugs growing naturally upon our planet to help speed up and facilitate our evolution.

It’s always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it’s just hilarious.

not all drugs are good.. some of them are great

I don’t identify with anyone historically, but there are several people in the future who I am a dead ringer for.

We’ll see who believes in me now. I am the Prankster God – I am killing me!

I used to love to call L.A. when I lived in New York… Is that the Big One I hear in the background? Bye, you lizard scum! Bye!

You’re not a human till you’re in my phone book. There. My hat is now in the political ring.

The name of the author is the first to go followed obediently by the title, the plot, the heartbreaking conclusion,

When the phone started ringing too many times, I had to take it back to what I can handle. I take my chances on a job or a person as opposed to a situation. I don’t like to have a situation placed over my head.

I love to work, although sometimes I can spend whole days doing nothing more than picking the lint off the carpet and talking to my mother on the phone.

I practice at home, in between phone calls, and have much to do.

I don’t mind it. I just space it out. Every other week I go out. I used to get some time to myself but I’ve been pretty busy lately. But I’ve had it the other way, where I’m staring at the phone waiting for it to ring, so this is definitely better.

Andy [Griffith] and I spoke on the phone not too long before he died. I told him I loved him and he told me he loved me. He was a wonderful man.

There was a time when I was enamored of the Clintons. I knocked on doors, phone-banked and rallied during his campaign.