A condom is a rubber thing shaped like a wiener that hums.
BILL ENGVALLOh, he flew off that tower, hollering at his buddies. “Whoo, check me out, dudes! Oh, that ground is coming up…” WHAM! And what do you say, if you’re the operator of that ride, to the next guy in line? “All right dude, you’re up.”
More Bill Engvall Quotes
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I might have tried bungee jumping, until I saw that video of that guy whose cord came untied. He didn’t know it ’till he hit the ground.
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I just realized that with the invention of the iPhone and others you now get to see the top of people’s heads.
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Did you ever notice all the items on a honey do list are dangerous. Clean gutters, put light in shower, patch roof. It’s a honey die list.
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A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock.
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I was a dork hunter. That’s hard to do. I fell out of a tree.
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I now know why old men like women with really big boobs. They see a trend. I mean, they call it a nursing home, hello.
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I told my wife I’m afraid to go back to the doctor because I’m afraid they’re going to look at you and say: ‘ma’am, just sell him for parts. It’s like that old car that as soon as you fix one thing, something else goes out on it.
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As we’re staggering out of the hospital, I don’t remember doing this because I was still high, but apparently I turned to the entire operating room staff and screamed “Hey! I’d better not see this on YouTube!”
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To all companies please stop using Xmas songs and inserting your own lyrics. Write your own music. I am boycotting you until you stop.
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I was born in Galveston, Texas in 1957 in the middle of a hurricane.
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Oh, he flew off that tower, hollering at his buddies. “Whoo, check me out, dudes! Oh, that ground is coming up…” WHAM! And what do you say, if you’re the operator of that ride, to the next guy in line? “All right dude, you’re up.”
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I’d love to be a woman for one day of my life… God… I would be drunk with power.
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I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say ‘I’m Stupid.’ That way you wouldn’t rely on them, and you wouldn’t ask them for nothing.
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A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, Low Bridge Ahead.
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If you thought Stairway to Heaven was a long song, dear god you should listen to it played on a lute.
BILL ENGVALL