I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce – my main thrust was the body and its functions and malfunctions – the absurdity of the thing.
BILLY CONNOLLYI’ve always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can’t tell to an audience.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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My advice to you, if you want to lose a bit of weight: don’t eat anything that comes in a bucket. Buckets are the kitchen utensils of the farmyard.
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I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.
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Well, the film’s not only pricking the pomposity of the Church, it’s pricking the pomposity, and sometimes you would think fraudulence, of the insurance companies.
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I think age is terribly overrated. You’re okay as long as you don’t grow up. By all means grow old, but don’t mature. Remain childlike, retain wonder, the ability to be flabbergasted by something.
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didn’t even know there were specialist zombie magazines and clubs. I heard the other day that a radio station had asked people if they`d made preparations for an attack by zombies, and a staggering number of people replied yes!
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When I read ‘Be real, don’t get caught acting,’ I thought, ‘How the hell do you do that?’.
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Don’t tell me how to do my job. I don’t come to your workplace and tell you how to sweep up.
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The religion in Scotland is one of the most patronising things… after the weather.
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I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce.
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For me, it’s about the desire to win. My audience becomes a crowd of wild animals and I have to be the lion-tamer or be eaten.
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Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
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Killing a guy and stealing his wife and child isn’t too nice a thing to do.
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So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?
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[To audience members who were arriving late] You haven’t missed a thing, I was just killing time ’til you got here.
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Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?
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I don’t think I’ve ever died on stage. I’ve had jokes that died on stage. I’ve told a joke and absolutely nothing. They didn’t know it was the end of the joke.
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I think of my life as a series of moments and I’ve found that the great moments often don’t have too much to them.
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I don’t know why I should have to learn Algebra… I’m never likely to go there.
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Never trust people who’ve only got one book.
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I am totally, absolutely romantic. When I broke up with a girl I would listen to the most heart-breaking music and make it worse. That’s what girls do. I think I am a girl really.
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I started to draw desert islands. They were just rough, shapes in the middle of the page. Then I began drawing shapes within those shapes and I was amazed how quickly the islands got better. It took off from there.
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A well-balanced person has a drink in each hand.
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I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
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Revolution was written into the U.S. Constitution so it’s like they’re in a constant state of revolution. But then again, happiness is written into their constitution as well, which makes them pretty unique.
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I’ve been a poser for f–ing years. I say, pose your arse off. You know, have a laugh.
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If you give people a chance, they shine.
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