“It was a JOB; the video show was a JOB; you don’t tell the Aristocrats joke at 8 o’clock at night on network tv, it would be funny though. But those guys know I like dirty stuff, I like clean stuff too.”

There are no I’s in we but there are two i’s in Wii.

I don’t know why femininity should be associated with weakness. Women should be free to express who they are without thinking, ‘I need to act like a man, or I need to tone it down to be successful.’ That’s a very good way to keep women down.

You get a lot of people requesting photographs but I tend to keep myself to myself, pull my cap down.

Paul Riser tells it in an interesting way; he dissects it and tells the structure, you know, ‘you don’t mention that part here.’ But that’s what’s interesting about it and the people who are absent are interesting too.

Just a tip if you have a big event to go to or an important meeting, if you cry enough your face swells up giving you a temporary lift.

I was going to do a big radio show, and I said to my driver, ‘Radio can wait, take me to the Full House house.’ It literally was a drive-by.

We don’t measure our people’s success in how they’re doing in government. We measure how they are doing in the real world and the private sector economy.

Just went to the gym and worked on every body part. Four people slapped me.

It’s okay to get stoned, as long as its not by other people.

When you’re famous, you’re always famous. It doesn’t go away.

He suffered from paralysis by analysis.

My dad told me if I was ever intimidated by anyone, just picture them with their clothes off. He said that’s how he dealt with my mom.

Stop It, stop lighting your butthol on fire, and everybody listen to me. If you light your ass on fire, I hope you have boxers or a filter of somekind, because if your a bareass person.

An inch of progress is worth more than a yard of complaint.

What do you do if you’re in the car and your girlfriend touches your crotch then asks you to remind her to get kitchen scissors?

I went to school to be an actor in Canada and realized I hated auditions once I left, which is a huge problem if you want to get a part.

I was working in a church in Florida as a youth intern, which means I really didn’t do much other than staple stuff.

A job is not a career. I think I started out with a job. It turned into a career and changed my life.

It is safe to say that the U.S. Congress is now run by paid staffers, not by people elected to do the job.

The psychological trauma of losing a job can be as great as the trauma of a divorce. It creates a lot of anger and emotional hardship. People may become quite depressed.

no job, no matter how lowly, is truly ‘unskilled.

I learned to produce whether I wanted to or not. It would be easy to say oh, I have writer’s block, oh, I have to wait for my muse. I don’t. Chain that muse to your desk and get the job done.

The job of the screenplay is to identify and extract the essence of the story from the novel and reconfigure it for the screen, maintaining its essence in a different vehicle.

If you’re happy, you eat. If you’re sad, you eat. You lose a job, you eat. You get a job, you eat. It’s, you know, it’s addiction.