I don’t think I’ve ever died on stage. I’ve had jokes that died on stage. I’ve told a joke and absolutely nothing. They didn’t know it was the end of the joke.
BILLY CONNOLLYIt seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he’s telling them all different things.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that’s an image I really didn’t need.
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I became a welder. I was actually becoming an Engineer and I joined the wrong queue. And so I became a welder, without knowing what a welder was.
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Behind the proscenium arch, you can’t always hear what people in the audience are saying.
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If I had a hammer, there’d be no more folksingers.
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Now, the country is in a terrible state, and you’ve blamed it on a number of things: Unemployment rate, the value of the pound and all that… wrll, it’s because the national anthem is boring.
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A well-balanced person has a drink in each hand.
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I think the longer Britain is in Europe the better.
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I’d always been scared of people with tertiary education and high intellects in case they found me wanting. I thought they viewed me as just a welder who knew a few jokes.
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I think age is terribly overrated. You’re okay as long as you don’t grow up. By all means grow old, but don’t mature. Remain childlike, retain wonder, the ability to be flabbergasted by something.
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[To audience members who were arriving late] You haven’t missed a thing, I was just killing time ’til you got here.
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The more you know the less the better.
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American sex shops are the most bizarre. They sell these inflatable dolls, but they also sell just the head — supposedly for people to drive along the highway with.
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I’m a huge film star… but you have to hurry to the movies, because I usually die in the first 15 f–ing minutes. I’m the only guy I know who died in a f–ing Muppet movie.
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My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.
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I used to have Mad Cow’s disease, but I’m alright Nooooooooow.
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