“Whenever I go on a show with a comedian I just counter punch.”

I wanted to be a child actor so bad that every day I’d beg my parents if I could audition, but my mom said, ‘Not until you can drive yourself to auditions.’

He [Barak Obama]’s a guy from Chicago. He doesn’t know what the hell to do. He’s got a big pipe with a hole in it.

You know what’s really frightening? You (Jon Stewart) actually have an influence on this presidential election. That is scary, but it’s true. You’ve got stoned slackers watching your dopey show every night and they can vote.

I think cable television is wobbling and I think people aren’t going to forget what happened – because you had a situation where one of the candidates was hated, not just disagreed with, hated.

We live in an age where truth really doesn’t matter anymore.

If I’m the president of the United States, I walk right into Union Square, I set up my little presidential podium, and I say, ‘Listen, citizens of San Francisco, if you vote against military recruiting, you’re not going to get another nickel in federal funds.

It is a powerful statement that a good man suffered for me, that a just God was looking out for me, and if I lived a good life.

It’s an excellent movie. Really excellent.

I’m not writing a Ph.D. Dissertation.

Hitler and Joseph Goebbels understood that if you say something loud and long enough many people will believe it.

Saddam Hussein… I believe is involved with this World Trade Center and Pentagon bombing. I believe that you’re going to find out that money from Iraq flowed in and helped this happen.

Your mom was right when she told you never to discuss politics and religion because emotions run so high in those arenas. Especially religion.

And I couldn’t get over the fact that there was no difference between Sylvia’s restaurant and any other restaurant in New York City. I mean, it was – it was exactly the same, even though it’s run by blacks, primarily black patronship.

They advertise on the radio for food stamps!

When I tell children that they are far too dependent on their gizmos, they do not deny it. But they really don’t care.

It is up to each voter to evaluate honesty and competency in a factual, therefore fair way.

Contrary to what certain comedians have led you to believe, the national French pastime is picnicking.

Chihuahua. There’s a waste of dog food. Looks like a dog that is still far away.

It’s always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it’s just hilarious.

I’m a light comedienne, that’s really where I live the most often.

That’s why that show, no matter who hosts it, it really should be a fast-thinking comedian who is really quick on their feet that can handle situations that happen, or somebody with that kind of mentality that can capitalize on something.

Once or twice I’ve been described as a light comedian. I consider this the most accurate description of my abilities I’ve ever seen.

I’m friends with a lot of comedians, but we don’t talk about material. Most comedians I know don’t watch a lot of other comedy.

I wasn’t the good looking guy, I wasn’t the hot chick, I wasn’t the fat guy, I didn’t have a catchphrase, I didn’t wear a silly hat. I was just trying to improve as a comedian.