Three blokes go into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.
BILL BAILEYI never really thought comedy was a career option, just something I did for fun. Suddenly I realised I was getting paid which was a bonus. I studied for a diploma with the London College of Music, and teaching was something I thought I might do but comedy intervened.
More Bill Bailey Quotes
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I tend to go through periods worrying, “Where am I going, I can’t see a way out of this,” and it becomes quite stressful. But sometimes you have to take a bet on yourself.
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I’m quite lucky, because I’ve got a small, decorative concrete pig.
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Add a drop of lavender to milk, leave town with an orange, and pretend you’re laughing at it.
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Nostalgia: How long’s that been around?
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Stupid National Anthem… Look at this flag; Two bears fighting over a pineapple. What kind of message does that send to the world? “Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit.”
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It’s the augmented fourth, or diminished fifth, depending on your outlook on life.
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So many beautiful things, I cannot possess them all!
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But our country’s equivalent of gritty reality is more like “Look out Sarge, he’s got a shooter!”
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There we go, that’s it. I just hold my hand in this position for the next couple of hours.
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Thank God for Darwin, eh?
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Or, as I call it, a Cheesel, it’s a Weasel with a Cheese finish.
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Contentment is knowing you’re right
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I’m a vegetarian, I’m not strict. I eat fish. And duck, but they’re nearly fish aren’t they.
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Without the beat in the background, Jazz basically sounds like an armadillo was let loose on the keyboard.
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This shed does not contain me.
BILL BAILEY







