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I swear to you, I am the cheapest drunk on the planet. It takes nothing to get me loopy and doing stupid stuff. Yeah. Some of you like that? Well… like riding an electric floor buffer for a shot of tequila. Did it!

Bill Engvall

You can’t even tell your mom, because she gives that face, Oh, he is that stupid.
BILL ENGVALL

Gives Mom Stupid Tell
Ma’am, when I got up this morning, I didn’t want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.
BILL ENGVALL

Funny Humor Morning
I told my wife I’m afraid to go back to the doctor because I’m afraid they’re going to look at you and say: ‘ma’am, just sell him for parts. It’s like that old car that as soon as you fix one thing, something else goes out on it.
BILL ENGVALL

Car Doctors Old Sell Wife
To all companies please stop using Xmas songs and inserting your own lyrics. Write your own music. I am boycotting you until you stop.
BILL ENGVALL

Companies Please Song Writing Xmas
A condom is a rubber thing shaped like a wiener that hums.
BILL ENGVALL

Condom Rubber Shape
I guess because of the drop in the barometric pressure it affected my brain and I was destined to become a stand up comic, although at that age I wasn’t aware of my destiny.
BILL ENGVALL

Age Aware Barometric Comic Destiny Pressure
Because we’ve become so ecologically minded now, they have developed a product called Rapidly Dissolving Toilet Paper. Just how rapidly are we talking? ‘Cause I don’t want to have to play Beat the Clock in the thicket.
BILL ENGVALL

Causes Playing Talking
Welcome to my garage. This is where I go to get away from the Honey-Do list.
BILL ENGVALL

Funny Honey Humor
Yesterday, my son was out in the yard playing with his friend, and he hit his friend. I walked up to him, and I said, “Hey… We don’t hit”. He looked at me like, “Here’s your sign, Dad”.
BILL ENGVALL

Dad Looked Son Yesterday
It’s like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway.
BILL ENGVALL

House Moving Wife
I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.
BILL ENGVALL

Funny Humor Two
In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family.
BILL ENGVALL

Airplane Brother Country
A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock.
BILL ENGVALL

Couple Fishing Give Up
I think my wife puts up with me ’cause I try. I think that’s all any guy can do is just try. That’s right! ‘Cause we ain’t never gunna get it. ‘Cause as soon as we get close you ladies change it. It’s like this memo goes out, ‘they’re getting close, change it, change it!’
BILL ENGVALL

Change Guy Ladies Thinking Wife
You know your getting older when you lay in bed til 10am and think to yourself god I just wasted half the day.
BILL ENGVALL

Bed Getting Older Thinking
I pulled the boy close to me and said you see that girl, thats my only lil girl. So if you think about huggin or kissin. Remember these words. I aint afraid to go back to prison.
BILL ENGVALL

Funny Girl Humor Remember

I swear to you, I am the cheapest drunk on the planet. It takes nothing to get me loopy and doing stupid stuff. Yeah. Some of you like that? Well… like riding an electric floor buffer for a shot of tequila. Did it!

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I swear to you, I am the cheapest drunk on the planet. It takes nothing to get me loopy and doing stupid stuff. Yeah. Some of you like that? Well… like riding an electric floor buffer for a shot of tequila. Did it!

Related Topics

Popular Authors

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