As we’re staggering out of the hospital, I don’t remember doing this because I was still high, but apparently I turned to the entire operating room staff and screamed “Hey! I’d better not see this on YouTube!”
BILL ENGVALLThe girl looked at me and said, Do you have a rabbit? I looked at here and said deadpan, Nope. Just like ’em ’cause they’re crunchy. Here’s your sign.
More Bill Engvall Quotes
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Oh, what a great day that was! You got to be God. You decided who lived, who died.
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The human brain doesn’t come with an instruction manual.
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I’d love to be a woman for one day of my life… God… I would be drunk with power.
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In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family.
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So the hotel tells us that it is not safe to go in the water because its shark mating time. I know how I’d feel if someone interrupted me.
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No parents. You have Uncle Jesse, forever in overalls. Then there’s Bo and Duke. What do they do? I never saw them working for food or gas money. You can only kill so many possum.
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If your mother still drives you to school, you are not a gangster, pull your pants up!
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I’ve come up with the three things you never want to hear at your kid’s parent/teacher conference.
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I pulled the boy close to me and said you see that girl, thats my only lil girl. So if you think about huggin or kissin. Remember these words. I aint afraid to go back to prison.
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Ladies, you wake up tomorrow and the newspaper reads Scientists have discovered a way for men to experience childbirth. That would be awesome.
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It’s like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway.
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I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.
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A condom is a rubber thing shaped like a wiener that hums.
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So I sat there for a second, and then I said “did you know that if Babe Ruth had been the Messiah, the Catholics would have beer and hot dogs at Communion?” He left.
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I picked up a pair of skimpy underwear. I looked at my wife and said: “When you gonna wear these for me?” She goes, “I can’t. They’re your daughter’s.” “Aaaaaaahhhhhh! No, No, No!” There was nothing to them! The how-to-wash tag was the biggest piece of cloth on there.
BILL ENGVALL