“Why is pot against the law? It wouldn’t be because anyone can grow it, and therefore you can’t make a profit off it, would it?”

People say to me, Hey, Bill, the war made us feel better about ourselves. Really? What kind of people are these with such low self-esteem that they need a war to feel better about themselves?

I’m very tired of staring out into your vacant faces looking back at me. Wanting to fill your empty lives with humor you couldn’t possibly think of yourself… Good evening!

Caffeine from Monday to Friday to energize you enough to make you a productive member of society, and alcohol from Friday to Monday to keep you too stupid to figure out the prison that you are living in.

The war on drugs to me is absolutely phoney, its so obviously phoney, ok? It’s a war against our civil rights, that’s all it is. They’re using it to make us afraid to go out at night, afraid of each other, so that we lock ourselves in our homes and they get suspending our rights one by one.

The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love, instead, see all of us as one.

I’m sorry if any of you are Catholic. I’m not sorry if you’re offended, I’m actually just sorry by the fact that you’re Catholic.

BTW A 24 week old embryo is not a human being. You’re not a human being until you’re in my phone book.

My point was that removing Saddam should not have been our highest priority. Fighting terrorism should have been our number one concern, followed by the Palestinian peace process.

Now I wonder why we’re f-ked up as a race. I’ve read the Bible. I can’t find the word “bunny” or “chocolate” anywhere in the f-king book.

If you are living for tomorrow, you will always be one day behind.

For far too long the American public and business sector have kept their silence as civil liberties have been whittled away by statutory and regulatory measures.

Why would you live your life worrying about something that’s not going to happen?

I’m the worst at picking what movies are going to do well. I have no idea. I’m really surprised if a movie I like does well.

The definition of black irony is Pro-lifers killing Doctors who do abortions

Just work. Don’t wait. Everybody’s waiting until they have the perfect idea to start working. Even if you have an inkling of what you want to do, start moving towards it. And it’s going to flesh itself out through the process of moving towards the goal.

A miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away.

Anyone who says that money cannot buy happiness has had very little success with either one.

I never killed anyone with my tuba.

I had a great time doing drugs. Sorry. Never murdered anyone, never robbed anyone, never raped anyone, never beat anyone, never lost a job, a car, a house, a wife or kids, laughed my ass off, and went about my day.

To paraphrase something the anthropologist Ashley Montagu once said, the way I change my life is to act as if I’m the person I want to be. This is, to me, the simplest, wisest advice you can give anyone.

You have no idea what you’re really in for, but you do it anyway.

“I wouldn’t want that to get around, Annie.” “You don’t mean that, Carl.” “Ah, we might as well call them beanies, Annie.” “Why?” “When in Rome do as the Romans do.” “Do they call them beanies in Rome?” she asked artlessly. “This is the silliest conversation.

We’ll attack anyone who tries to harm our citizens.

If I don’t take care of myself and be kind to myself, then I can’t take care of anyone else.