“Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?”

Girls are like pianos. When they’re not upright, they’re grand.

Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.

Did you ever notice that everyone in favour of birth control has already been born ?

Roses are reddish Violets are bluish If it weren’t for Christmas We’d all be Jewish.

Just because nobody complains doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.

I thought I couldn’t afford to take her out and smoke as well. So I gave up cigarettes. Then I took her out and one day I looked at her and thought: ‘Oh well,’ and I went back to smoking again, and that was better.

Live everyday as though it’s your last ’cause one day you’ll be right.

Why would I make one woman so miserable when I can make so many women very happy?

I’m not against half naked girls – not as often as I’d like to be.

That’s what show business is, sincere insincerity.

The odds against there being a bomb on a plane are a million to one, and against two bombs a million times a million to one. Next time you fly, cut the odds and take a bomb.

Do unto others, then run

Before I met her, I drank and swore without reason… now I have a reason.

Shakira is a new friend, but I love her dearly already. She’s so sweet and adorable and hilarious.

I see myself as an intelligent, sensitive human, with the soul of a clown which forces me to blow it at the most important moments.

The remarkable thing about Shakespeare is that he really is very good, in spite of all the people who say he is very good.

I find what I do for a living really funny. I mean, acting is kind of a hilarious thing for a grown man to call a job.

I am the mother of a 6-year-old now, so that’s changed my entire perspective.

There’s a lot of cat videos. Cats are just hilarious.

I don’t want to be alone, I want to be left alone.

It was life, often unsatisfying, frequently cruel, usually boring, sometimes beautiful, once in a while exhilarating.