“Every challenge you put in front of me, I’ve handled it, dismantled it – ate them, dropped them off in the bathroom and flushed them away.”

As a basketball fan, I get sick and tired of people talking about numbers. To me, the world is getting too materialistic.

I had an awful first quarter but I picked it up. To all you single guys out there, it’s not how you start the date, it’s how you finish it sir.

This summer is going to be a different summer for a lot of people. Everyone is going to take care of their own business and everyone is going to do what’s best for them, including me.

I just said to myself, ‘Damn, I’m a great player.’

If you don’t stick to simplicity, you’ll die a horrible death.

I never make a face when they try to flagrant or hack-a-Shaq me, because I’m not from this planet. Earthlings don’t faze me.

I came here with the perfect chemist’s perception. The formula they had was perfect and any added ingredient could make it go bad or worse.

Keep in mind, I’m not allowed to be tough. I’m tamed.

Stay out of the gentlemen’s clubs. Get a lot of rest. Just have fun and relax and stay focused.

I know how to turn the bad into good always.

If I was able to have the game I have and shoot 80% from the line, I’d probably be an arrogant person rather than a humble one.

No matter where they put people, no matter how they try to promote people, there aren’t too many people in the game today that are on my level on and off the court.

Being here feels like I’m out of prison. This is the right place, the right time, the right team.

Stats don’t matter. I care about winning, not stats. If I score 0 points and we win I’m happy. If I score 50, 60 points, break the records, and we lose.

As my great friend Aristotle said, ‘If you cannot command, you must learn to listen.’ I’m not the hierarchy here. I am a worker bee.

But that is the only thing that slows me down is the system. No one, two or three was big enough to slow me down, only the system. It was the system that slowed me down to make my numbers fall. Not because I am older.

Beer is not a good cocktail-party drink, especially in a home where you don’t know where the bathroom is.

People think the free market is a philosophy, they think that it is a creed. It is none of those things. Free market is a bathroom scale, it is a measuring tape, it’s simply a measurement.

I suppose I had my rock star fantasies while I was singing into my hairbrush in the bathroom mirror, but I never really consciously said, ‘OK, this is what I’m going to do for a living and I’m going to be Weird Al.’

I’d rather clean all the bathrooms in Grand Central Station with my tongue than spend one more minute with you.

Everyone of us wakes up in the morning, goes to the bathroom, looks in the mirror and asks: “Who am I? Who am I today?

We have the most varied and imaginative bathrooms in the world, we have kitchens with the most gimmicks, we have houses with every possible electrical gadget to save ourselves all kinds of trouble – all so that we can have leisure. Leisure, leisure, leisure!

We found the bathrooms, which were labeled ‘Aliens’ and ‘Femaliens.’ ‘Finally,’ I said to J.Lo. ‘Here’s a bathroom you’re allowed to use.

I know she’s just trying to make things nice, so I do my part. Now, when I get up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night, I turn on the light. I used to just go by sonar: just keep peeing ’til you hear water.