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Gay people don’t actually try to convert people. That’s Jehovah’s Witnesses you’re thinking of.

Tina Fey

I can’t possibly take time off for a second baby, unless I do, in which case that is nobody’s business and I’ll never regret it for a moment unless it ruins my life.
TINA FEY

Baby Business Nobody Poisble Regret Ruin Second Take Time Unless Do
It is an impressively arrogant move to conclude that just because you don’t like something, it is empirically not good. I don’t like Chinese food, but I don’t write articles trying to prove it doesn’t exist.
TINA FEY

Arrogant Conclude Good Impressively Move Moving Witty Write
I have no affinity for animals. I don’t hate animals and I would never hurt an animal; I just don’t actively care about them.
TINA FEY

Affinity Animal Cute Dog Hurt never
To say I’m an overrated troll, when you have never even seen me guard a bridge, is patently unfair.
TINA FEY

Bridge Bridges Even Guard Overrated Say Seen Troll Witty
(Some people say “Never let them see you cry.” I say, if you’re so mad you could just cry, then cry. It terrifies everyone.)
TINA FEY

Cry Everyone never People Say Some Terrify
People lose their minds, trying to prove their parental worth by getting their children into one of five colleges; when there are thousands of good colleges across the United States – and elsewhere.
TINA FEY

Children Country Elsewhere Mind Parent People Prove Thousand
‘How do you juggle it all?’ people constantly ask me, with an accusatory look in their eyes. ‘You’re screwing it all up, aren’t you?’ their eyes say.
TINA FEY

Accusatory All Ask Constant Dream Eye Job Juggle Look Mother People
Sometimes you want to have a very productive Saturday to feel that you are in control of your life, which of course you are not.
TINA FEY

Control Course Life Productive Saturday Sometimes Want Witty
I was first in my class at Johns Hopkins, so?” Make statements, with your actions and your voice.
TINA FEY

Action Class Country First Make People Place Statement Voice
Ah, babies! They’re more than just adorable little creatures on whom you can blame your farts.
TINA FEY

Adorable Baby Blame Creature Fart Humor
When I turned 50, I looked in the mirror and I thought: “Hey, this isn’t the dress rehearsal, this is life and I don’t know how much longer I’m going to have!”
TINA FEY

Dress Dresses Fifty Hey Know Life Look Mirror Rehearsal Thought Turn
If you ever start to feel good about yourself… …. they have this thing called the internet.
TINA FEY

Call Feel Good Internet Yourself
It was reported that the New York Knicks have won all 12 of the home games attended by magician David Blaine. A spokesman for the Knicks said, ‘if this is what it takes to win, it’s not worth it.’
TINA FEY

Attempt Celebrity Country Funny Hime Magical People Report Won
I want every day to be the most boring news day ever. I want every day to be about spelling bee champions and baby basketball. It’s better to have no comedy material than a horrific news day.
TINA FEY

Baby Basketball Boring Champion Every Most News Spell
I want to thank my parents for somehow raising me to have confidence that is disproportionate with my looks and abilities.
TINA FEY

Confidence Disproportionate Funny Look Parent Raise Thank
Confidence is 10 percent hard work and 90 percent delusion.
TINA FEY

Confidence Delusion Hard Hilarious Percent Ten Work
To me YES, AND means don’t be afraid to contribute. Always make sure you’re adding something to the discussion. Your initiations are worthwhile.
TINA FEY

Afraid Contribute Discussion Mean Something Worthwhile
Nothing is creepier than a bunch of adults being very quiet.
TINA FEY

Adult Bunch Creepier Nothing Quiet
(My proudest moment as a child was the time I beat my uncle Pierre at Scrabble with the seven-letter word FARTING.)
TINA FEY

Children Moment Protest Time Uncles Witty
When humor works, it works because it’s clarifying what people already feel. It has to come from someplace real.
TINA FEY

Already Clarify Come Feel Humour People Real Someone Work Working
I think someone should design exercise machines that reward people with sex at the end of their workouts, because people will perform superhuman feats for even the faint hope of that.
TINA FEY

Design Excercise Funny Machine People Reward Sex Someone Workout
So, my unsolicited advice to women in the workplace is this. When faced with sexism, or ageism, or lookism, or even really aggressive Buddhism, ask yourself the following question: “Is this person in between me and what I want to do?”
TINA FEY

Ageism Face Funny Motivational Inspirational Lookism Sexism Unsolicited Witty Workplace
The arms of Michelle Obama, and doll tits. The person closest to actually achieving this look is Kim Kardashian, who, as we know, was made by Russian scientists to sabotage our athletes.
TINA FEY

Achieve Arm Athlete Closet Country Doll Made People Person President Scientist
I got a fan letter on the back of a prison menu. And I remember thinking, ‘Well, they get pie. It’s not so bad. They get pie on the weekends.’ I want to say blueberry and also a Boston cream pie. Not so bad.
TINA FEY

Back Bad Fan Pie Remember Think Thinking Weekend Well
A Harvard Medical School study has determined that rectal thermometers are still the best way to tell a baby’s temperature. Plus, it really teaches the baby who’s boss.
TINA FEY

Baby Boss Determine Medical Rectal School Study Thermometer Way
If you retain nothing else, always remember the most important Rule of Beauty. “Who cares?”
TINA FEY

Beauty Care Hilarious Important Inspirational Inspiring Rule
Not only is my wardrobe totally average, my body’s totally average. I love all the candy-fantasy fulfillment of Sex and the City.
TINA FEY

Average Cities Sex Totally Wardrobe

Gay people don’t actually try to convert people. That’s Jehovah’s Witnesses you’re thinking of.

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Popular Authors

Gay people don’t actually try to convert people. That’s Jehovah’s Witnesses you’re thinking of.

Related Topics

Popular Authors

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