“And I can see Russia from my house.”

The arms of Michelle Obama, and doll tits. The person closest to actually achieving this look is Kim Kardashian, who, as we know, was made by Russian scientists to sabotage our athletes.

Whatever the problem, be part of the solution. Don’t just sit around raising questions and pointing out obstacles.

Gay people don’t actually try to convert people. That’s Jehovah’s Witnesses you’re thinking of.

Maternity leave is over for Tina Fey of Saturday Night Live. She’ll be back behind the Weekend Update anchor desk for this week’s episode, her first show since giving birth to daughter Alice on Sept. 10.

Why are my arms so weak? It’s like I did that push-up last year for nothing!

Seriously, I’ve just realized that almost everyone is a fraud, so I try not to feel too bad about it.

I do like to start on time; I like to set the bar high for people.

This weight of embarrassment came over me, and I felt like I was sweating from my spine out. But I realized, ‘Okay, that happened, and I did not die.’ You’ve got to experience failure to understand that you can survive it.

Whatever the problem – be part of the solution

Obviously, as an adult I realize this girl-on-girl sabotage is the third worst kind of female behavior, right behind saying “like” all the time and leaving your baby in a dumpster.

Now every girl is expected to have: Caucasian blue eyes, full Spanish lips, a classic button nose, hairless Asian skin with a California tan, a Jamaican dance hall ass, long Swedish legs, small Japanese feet, the abs of a lesbian gym owner, the hips of a nine-year-old boy.

If you ever start to feel good about yourself… …. they have this thing called the internet.

You can tell how smart people are by what they laugh at.

Everybody kind of gets to be the person they didn’t get to be.

To me YES, AND means don’t be afraid to contribute. Always make sure you’re adding something to the discussion. Your initiations are worthwhile.

My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.