“I have no affinity for animals. I don’t hate animals and I would never hurt an animal; I just don’t actively care about them.”

If you are a woman and you bought this book for practical tips on how to make it in a male-dominated workplace, here they are. No pigtails, no tube tops. Cry sparingly.

There are a couple of things I want to impart to ladies who want to be in comedy: One, you don’t have to be weird or be quirky to get your job done. And two, comedy skill is not sexually transmittable.

In a study, scientists report that drinking beer can be good for the liver. I’m sorry, did I say ‘scientists’? I meant Irish people.

(My proudest moment as a child was the time I beat my uncle Pierre at Scrabble with the seven-letter word FARTING.)

The arms of Michelle Obama, and doll tits. The person closest to actually achieving this look is Kim Kardashian, who, as we know, was made by Russian scientists to sabotage our athletes.

Whatever the problem, be part of the solution. Don’t just sit around raising questions and pointing out obstacles.

Gay people don’t actually try to convert people. That’s Jehovah’s Witnesses you’re thinking of.

Maternity leave is over for Tina Fey of Saturday Night Live. She’ll be back behind the Weekend Update anchor desk for this week’s episode, her first show since giving birth to daughter Alice on Sept. 10.

Why are my arms so weak? It’s like I did that push-up last year for nothing!

Seriously, I’ve just realized that almost everyone is a fraud, so I try not to feel too bad about it.

I do like to start on time; I like to set the bar high for people.

This weight of embarrassment came over me, and I felt like I was sweating from my spine out. But I realized, ‘Okay, that happened, and I did not die.’ You’ve got to experience failure to understand that you can survive it.

Whatever the problem – be part of the solution

Obviously, as an adult I realize this girl-on-girl sabotage is the third worst kind of female behavior, right behind saying “like” all the time and leaving your baby in a dumpster.

Now every girl is expected to have: Caucasian blue eyes, full Spanish lips, a classic button nose, hairless Asian skin with a California tan, a Jamaican dance hall ass, long Swedish legs, small Japanese feet, the abs of a lesbian gym owner, the hips of a nine-year-old boy.

If you ever start to feel good about yourself… …. they have this thing called the internet.

If you deny any affinity with another person or kind of person, if you declare it to be wholly different from yourself.

Competition between women is good only if it does not prevail; that is to say if it coexists with affinity, affection, with a real sense of being mutually indispensable, with sudden peaks of solidarity in spite of envy, jealousy and the whole inevitable cohort of bad feelings.

Love is the affinity which links and draws together the elements of the world… Love, in fact, is the agent of universal synthesis.