“I was so in love with the idea of making people laugh for a living that I didn’t care what I had to do to get there. Or how much money I was going to make when I did get there.”

There have been times when I played more than others, but I’ve been a road comic for a quarter of a century, so I’ve always played golf on the road because you have a lot of time to kill.

My biggest pet peeve, I guess, is other comedians criticizing Larry the Cable Guy.

I want my fans to feel like we’re always in touch. Because without ’em, I wouldn’t be able to do any of this.

Pace, rhythm and timing. Pace, rhythm and timing is what it’s about. The content’s got to be great, but then it’s got to be delivered. It’s a tricky thing to do, and it takes a lot of work.

You can’t fix stupid.

I don’t do talk shows or go on Dr. Phil’s show. He’s a friend of mine, and, no, he doesn’t give me any advice. He doesn’t give solicited advice.

But I work harder now because I have so much more exposure. And actually the harder you work as a writer, the better you get at it. It’s like anything else. It’s a muscle you have to exercise. I write more now than ever.

As long as I stay engaged with everybody else, then I’ll create more comedy. It’s just when I shut off and stay at home… What helps me is just to keep moving.

Let’s face it: a lot of my material comes from the stuff that happens to me on the road.

I’d rather do a really good small part than a really bad big part.

I’ve got a great cigar collection – it’s actually not a collection, because that would imply I wasn’t going to smoke every last one of ’em.

Mother, she likes the blue material just fine.

Television is 15 hour days. Movies are 18 hour days. And it’s 18 hours of doing not a thing.

You know, my first album, some of those jokes I’d done for twelve years because I couldn’t throw ’em out.

I really understood a lot more about comedy after listening to Bill Hicks, who died at 32 years old. He’s probably the best comedian who ever lived. Although you can’t say that because of Carlin, Cosby and Pryor.

Donald Trump – and I don’t dislike Donald one single bit – has no idea how good the Mexican people are at building tunnels.

The ‘Mythbusters’ crew, we monitor the Discovery boards, we look for the new ideas that are being forwarded on those boards, and we keep track of what’s going on, we keep updated.

They’re not very good ideas, but at least they’re ideas!

The idea of an ordered and elegant universe is a lovely one.

I do preach the idea of individualism as in not adapting any kind of style or model other than that one of your own.

I have some ideas on how to fix that.

The idea of a portable kit that has everything you might need ignites something inside me. It’s like Batman’s utility belt.

One worth clinging to. But you don’t need religion to appreciate the ordered existence. It’s not just an idea, it’s reality.

I think that we’re always drawn – particularly sophisticated people – are always drawn to the idea of simplicity.