“Music bypasses the brain and goes straight to the heart. I wish my life had more of it.”

I’m not freakishly short. I had, on my show, used shortness as a joke subject; it didn’t really bother me.

I get a kick out of people saying I was funny.

I feel sorry for the poor kids whose parents feel they’re qualified to teach them at home. Of course, some parents are smarter than some teachers, but in the main I see home-schooling as misguided foolishness.

Home schooling as an idea is on a par with home dentistry.

It was well after college that I learned about depression. I got my first job for Jack Paar. I realized I was sleeping 14 hours a day and just living for the Paar show.

Every time I nostalgically try to regain my liking of John McCain, he reaches into his sleaze bag and pulls out something malodorous.

My IQ is somewhere between Spiro Agnew’s and Albert Einstein’s.

To call New York’s traffic at holiday time a nightmare is to understate.

There were several things a Yale freshman was supposed to be able to do. You had to demonstrate in the Olympic-size Yale pool that you could swim 50 yards or be inducted into swimming class.

History is not reassuring on the subject of the longevity of seemingly lasting great nations, is it?

I eat at this German-Chinese restaurant and the food is delicious. The only problem is that an hour later you’re hungry for power.

If your parents never had children, chances are neither will you.

I confess, I do have to remind myself almost daily that there are people on this earth capable of reading, writing, eating and dressing themselves who believe their lives are ruled from billions of miles away, by the stars – and, of course, the planets.

I think I’d be pretty easy to write for.

Lawyers work hard and, like us, they’re human, many of them.

When I’m doing an appearance somewhere and taking questions from the audience, I can always count on: ‘Tell about the guy who died on your show!’

Breathing exercises produce brain waves.

I’ve got so much in my brain and I want to change the way we think sometimes.

I’ve got so much in my brain and I want to change the way we think sometimes.

I’ve got so much in my brain and I want to change the way we think sometimes.

Housework, if it is done properly, can cause brain damage.

One can make more enemies as a female with a brain, I think.

The final weapon is the brain, all else is supplemental.

One day we shall certainly ‘reduce’ thought experimentally to molecular and chemical motions in the brain; but does that exhaust the essence of thought?