“Every time I nostalgically try to regain my liking of John McCain, he reaches into his sleaze bag and pulls out something malodorous.”

Can you picture yourself at the age 60 doing what you do now?

There should be three days a week when no one is allowed to say: ‘What’s your sign?’ Violators would have their copies of Kahlil Gibran confiscated.

Does anything show the complexity of the miraculous brain more than that weird curiosity, the sleep-protection dream?

I’m the only talk show host, I think, if there’s such a category in, what’s called, the book of records, to have a guest die while we were taping the show, yeah.

The information superhighway? That sounds like a place that’s long and boring and kills 50,000 people a year.

The greatest benefit of depression is the fact that when I have talked about it, every so often someone comes up and says, you saved my dad’s life.

The brain process that results in a joke materializing where no joke was before remains a mystery. I’m not aware of any scholarly, scientific or neurological studies on the subject.

An effective speaker can do more damage or more good in a well-stated minute than an angry klutz could do in half an hour.

William F. Buckley was a man who had a great capacity for fun and for amusing himself by amazing others.

It’s a rare person who wants to hear what he doesn’t want to hear.

Running my show is really like an actor being in repertory but where, in one day in one performance, you do scenes from a drama, a farce, a low comedy and a tragedy.

I guess the best advice I ever got or anyone could get for doing a talk show, though it has not been easy very often, was from Jack Paar, who said, ‘Kid, don’t make it an interview. Interviews have clipboards, and you’re like David Frost. Make it a conversation.’

Its fun for me to go on other folks talk shows. When youve endured the ups and downs and tensions and pitfalls of hosting, being a guest is a piece of angel food.

Every writer knows that unless you were born gifted with either supreme confidence or outsize ego, handing in your work holds, in some cases, admitted terror. If that’s too strong, at least fairly high anxiety.

You would have to be naive to think you can appear on television and not have the material edited in some way.

Meryl Streep belongs on anybody’s list of greats.

I work hard. I focus on myself and putting food on my dinner table before anything else. I don’t worry about other artists. Worrying about the next person in a negative way is the wrong way to be.

Do your squats, eat your vegetables, wear red lipstick, and don’t let boys be mean to you.

A time will come when instead of shepherds feeding the sheep, the church will have clowns entertaining the goats.

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.

Feedback is the breakfast of champions.

Man does not live by murder alone. He needs affection, approval, encouragement and, occasionally, a hearty meal.

I love England, especially the food. There’s nothing I like more than a lovely bowl of pasta.

All the forces that are working in this body have been produced out of food; we see that every day.