“You call to a dog and a dog will break its neck to get to you. Dogs just want to please. Call to a cat and its attitude is, ‘What’s in it for me?’”

There’s no such thing as being too Southern.

There’s nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.

I know lots of people who are educated far beyond their intelligence.

Sex hasn’t been the same since women started enjoying it.

Money doesn’t grow on trees, and if it did somebody else would own the orchard.

Life is a sexually transmitted terminal disease.

The game of life is a lot like football. You have to tackle your problems, block your fears, and score your points when you get the opportunity.

I grew up in a very large family in a very small house. I never slept alone until after I was married.

It’s better to have died a small child than to be a politician who gets caught in a scandal during a slow news month.

When My Love Returns from the Ladies Room, Will I Be Too Old to Care?

I finally figured it out, I finally figured out how to find some peace and happiness. I sure would hate for the man upstairs to take me now. But at least I did figure it out.

Today’s sensitive male has learned to share in open frank discussions about relationships like, “Where the hell did you get a crazy idea like that? You been reading Redbook again?”

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.

The idiot who invented instant grits also thought of frozen fried chicken, and they ought to lock him up before he tries to freeze-dry collards.

Baptists never make love standing up. They’re afraid someone might see them and think they’re dancing.

There is something wrong when you wait in line thirty minutes to get a hamburger that was cooked for ninety seconds an hour ago.

The greatest geniuses sometimes accomplish more when they work less.

So if you are the big tree, we are the small axe. Ready to cut you down, to cut you down.

Not that smart. Not that hot. Not that nice. Not that funny. That’s me: I’m not that.

Haters can keep on hating.

I want to be important. By being different. And these girls are all the same.

What other people think of me is none of my business. Sometimes, it hurts my feelings, but I have to just keep going.

If you want to change your life you have to raise your standards.

Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.