Money doesn’t grow on trees, and if it did somebody else would own the orchard.
LEWIS GRIZZARDLife is a sexually transmitted terminal disease.
More Lewis Grizzard Quotes
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You call to a dog and a dog will break its neck to get to you. Dogs just want to please. Call to a cat and its attitude is, ‘What’s in it for me?’
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Elvis is dead and I don’t feel so good for myself.
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Yankees don’t understand that the Southern way of talking is a language of nuance. What we can do in the South is we can take a word and change it just a little bit and make it mean something altogether different.
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It’s better to have died a small child than to be a politician who gets caught in a scandal during a slow news month.
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Mama had an appreciation of the language. She taught me a love of words, of how they should be used and how they can fill a creative soul with a passion and lead to a life’s work.
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When My Love Returns from the Ladies Room, Will I Be Too Old to Care?
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There’s no such thing as being too Southern.
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Life is like a dogsled race. If you ain’t the lead dog, the scenery never changes.
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The game of life is a lot like football. You have to tackle your problems, block your fears, and score your points when you get the opportunity.
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I grew up in a very large family in a very small house. I never slept alone until after I was married.
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Life is a sexually transmitted terminal disease.
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I’d much rather sit next to a smoker in a restaurant than a nose-blower.
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I get letters from people who say, ‘What have you got against women?’ What could I possibly have against women? I’ve married three of them.
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Kinky sex involves the use of duck feathers. Perverted sex involves the whole duck.
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Spring time is the land awakening.
LEWIS GRIZZARD