“It’s better to have died a small child than to be a politician who gets caught in a scandal during a slow news month.”

Mama had an appreciation of the language. She taught me a love of words, of how they should be used and how they can fill a creative soul with a passion and lead to a life’s work.

Kinky sex involves the use of duck feathers. Perverted sex involves the whole duck.

Spring time is the land awakening.

Elvis is dead and I don’t feel so good for myself.

Life is like a dogsled race. If you ain’t the lead dog, the scenery never changes.

I get letters from people who say, ‘What have you got against women?’ What could I possibly have against women? I’ve married three of them.

If you are not the lead dog, your scenery never changes.

Yankees don’t understand that the Southern way of talking is a language of nuance. What we can do in the South is we can take a word and change it just a little bit and make it mean something altogether different.

There’s no such thing as being too Southern.

There’s nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.

I know lots of people who are educated far beyond their intelligence.

Sex hasn’t been the same since women started enjoying it.

Money doesn’t grow on trees, and if it did somebody else would own the orchard.

You call to a dog and a dog will break its neck to get to you. Dogs just want to please. Call to a cat and its attitude is, ‘What’s in it for me?’

Life is a sexually transmitted terminal disease.

The game of life is a lot like football. You have to tackle your problems, block your fears, and score your points when you get the opportunity.

Try to be better than the person you were yesterday.

We’re either getting better or we’re getting worse.

There isn’t anything anybody wants that is for any other reason than that they think they would feel better in having it.

It’s better to dance than to march through life.

The older you get, the better you realize you were.

All I wanted to do was to improve, to keep getting better.

Science is but a perversion of itself unless it has as its ultimate goal the betterment of humanity.

The most important thing, the thing that unites all of us, is that we can inspire and challenge one another, to be better.