“I like fireworks too, but I set them off in gardens or kebab stands. I never set fire to my own house.”

I don’t need the Ballon d’Or to know I’m the best. It matters more to some players

A World Cup without Zlatan is not worth watching.

José Mourinho is a big star. He’s nice. The first time he met Helena [Ibrahimovic’s partner] he whispered to her: ‘Helena, you have only one mission – feed Zlatan, let him sleep, keep him happy.’ That guy says whatever he wants. I like him.

It is nice when people recognize me and approach me in the street. Anyone who says they don’t like that is lying.

One thing is for sure, a World Cup without me is nothing to watch so it is not worthwhile to wait for the World Cup.

I think I’m like wine. The older I get, the better I get.

An injured Zlatan is a pretty serious thing for any team.

That’s how it is with the English: if you score against them you’re a good player; if you don’t, you’re not.

Arsenal could have happened, as everybody knows, but I would not do a trial. Who do you think regrets that more – Arsene Wenger or Zlatan?

When I got the red card all the Chelsea players come around. It felt like I had a lot of babies around me.

England is a very strong league, with three or four of the best teams in Europe, but, if I had played there, I would have destroyed it, like I have everywhere else.

I’m like Muhammed Ali. When he said he would knock someone out in the fourth round, he did it.

PSG’s project is to dream bigger, but if you buy Messi, you don’t dream bigger – you are bigger!

Zlatan doesn’t do auditions.

I can play in the 11 positions because a good player can play anywhere on the pitch.

At Barca, players were banned from driving their sports cars to training. I thought this was ridiculous – it was no one’s business what car I drive – so in April, before a match with Almeria, I drove my Ferrari Enzo to work. It caused a scene.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.

I thought I’d begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.

I can’t be naturalistic enough to make it sound real. So instead, I just wander around aimlessly knowing that I’ll be funny enough with stream of consciousness until I get to the actual explosively funny part.

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

I had once thought I would become a doctor but gave up on the thought soon enough. I took up the racquet instead. Later, when I saw my sister studying so much to become a doctor, I was like, ‘Thank God I am a shuttler!’

The biggest difference between L.A. and Edmonton was that instead of people looking at me I was looking at them.

It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I’d never even thought about killing myself.

Comedy is surprises, so if you’re intending to make somebody laugh and they don’t laugh, that’s funny.