Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, ‘Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.’.
JOAN RIVERSThe last time I saw a blonde with red streaks in her hair she was laying on Oscar Pistorius’ bathroom floor.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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Happiness, at my age, is breathing
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A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: “Run your own race, put on your blinders.”
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On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.
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I use a smoke alarm as a timer.
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I’m racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson’s back when he was black.
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Here’s a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.
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With age comes wisdom. You don’t need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.
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You have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
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Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up – and gay men should stand up at least halfway.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It’s all funny.
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I enjoy life when things are happening. I don’t care if it’s good things or bad things. That means you’re alive.
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
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You know it’s time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.
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You know you’re getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
JOAN RIVERS






