I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ‘Get the hell off my property.’
JOAN RIVERSThe last time I saw a blonde with red streaks in her hair she was laying on Oscar Pistorius’ bathroom floor.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
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If you laugh at it, you can deal with it.
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I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, “Marry him, you’ll double your wardrobe.”
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She doesn’t understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
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People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
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Happiness, at my age, is breathing
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
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Don’t follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
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I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
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Just remember: Surviving is the best revenge, no matter what the disaster has been.
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If you can’t make fun of yourself, you don’t have any right to make fun of others.
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
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Florida wants to change the state’s motto to attract younger people. They’re thinking about: More than just a great place to die.
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I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.
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My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.
JOAN RIVERS