“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing – after they’ve tried everything else.”

After a time, civil servants tend to become no longer servants and no longer civil.

I began my education at a very early age; in fact, right after I left college.

The cemetery is full of indispensable people.

Life can either be accepted or changed. If it is not accepted, it must be changed. If it cannot be changed, then it must be accepted.

The main vice of capitalism is the uneven distribution of prosperity. The main vice of socialism is the even distribution of misery.

Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.

One cannot leap a chasm in two jumps.

One man with conviction will overwhelm a hundred who have only opinions.

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.

Courage is the ability to go from failure to failure with enthusiasm.

Great success always comes at the risk of enormous failure.

Whenever I feel the need to take some exercise I lie down until the feeling goes away.

Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.

A nation that forgets its past has no future.

A nation that forgets its past has no future.

Keep England White’ is a good slogan.

Women always worry about things that men forget; men always worry about things women remember.

Once I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

The easy confidence with which I know another man’s religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

Look like barbie, Smoke like marley.

Do you mind if I don’t smoke?

Before I speak, I have something important to say.