Phyllis Diller Quotes

A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.

I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.

My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.