Emo Philips Quotes

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence… sort of like the Post Office with tanks.

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you’ll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you’ve been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.

Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: ‘A truck!’

You know what I hate? Indian givers… no, I take that back.

You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers…damn anthropologists.

I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, “I am a bulemic”.

All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there’s so many real reasons to hate others.

I’m not as good a swimmer as I used to be – thanks to evolution.

I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don’t know what he looks like.