Making fun of born-again Christians is like hunting dairy cows with a high powered rifle and scope.
P. J. O'ROURKEGossip is what you say about the objects of flattery when they aren’t present.
More P. J. O'Rourke Quotes
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Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern, like bad wallpaper.
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Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective.
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A fundamental American question is, ‘What’s the big idea?’
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There is a simple rule here, a rule of legislation, a rule of business, a rule of life: beyond a certain point, complexity is fraud. You can apply that rule to left-wing social programs, but you can also apply that rule to credit derivatives, hedge funds, all the rest of it.
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Whatever it is that the government does, sensible Americans would prefer that the government does it to somebody else. This is the idea behind foreign policy.
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Arab-led Islamic fundamentalism destabilizes nations from Algeria to the Philippines.
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I believe in God. God created the world.
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If government were a product, selling it would be illegal.
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All change is bad. But sometimes it has to be done.
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A U.S. dollar is an IOU from the Federal Reserve Bank. It’s a promissory note that doesn’t actually promise anything. It’s not backed by gold or silver.
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I look around my house, and everything except the kids and dogs was made in China. And I’m not sure about the kids. They have brown eyes and small noses.
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Gay marriage acceptance is happening in the blink of an eye.
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Bill Clinton is not a hypocrite. If a man believes that it is just and moral to redistribute wealth, there is nothing hypocritical in his attempts to redistribute some of that wealth to himself.
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New Hampshire polling data are unreliable because, when you call the Granite State’s registered Republicans and independents in the middle of dinner and ask them who they’re going to vote for, they have a mouth full of mashed potatoes and you can’t understand what they say.
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Computers seem a little too adaptively flexible, like the strange natives, odd societies, and head cases we study in the social sciences. There’s more opposable thumb in the digital world than I care for; it’s awfully close to human.
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Hubris is one of the great renewable resources.
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If we heard that somebody starved to death in Sweden or Switzerland, we would be shocked.
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The young are adept at learning, but even more adept at avoiding it.
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I rarely meet a politician that I don’t like personally. They are generally well endowed with charm. Therein lies the danger.
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The divorce rate in 1946 was higher than it ever had been and as high as it ever would be until the ’70s. The reason was that prior relationships had not endured the strain of war.
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When you’re a war correspondent, the reader is for you because the reader is saying, ‘Gee, I wouldn’t want to be doing that.’ They’re on your side.
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Finland is a rich country. What have they got? They got Nokia phones and plywood. How’d they get so rich? Because they’re free.
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Preachers at black churches are the last people left in the English-speaking world who know the schemes and tropes of classical rhetoric: parallelism, antithesis, epistrophe, synecdoche, metonymy, periphrasis, litotes – the whole bag of tricks.
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You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.
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I’m too tough and sensitive to have to have some pubescent twerp with his mom’s earring in his tongue, who combs his hair with Redi-Whip and has an Ani DiFranco tattoo on his shin, come show me how a computer works.
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Ending wars is very simple if you surrender.
P. J. O'ROURKE