New Hampshire polling data are unreliable because, when you call the Granite State’s registered Republicans and independents in the middle of dinner and ask them who they’re going to vote for, they have a mouth full of mashed potatoes and you can’t understand what they say.
P. J. O'ROURKENever fight an inanimate object.
More P. J. O'Rourke Quotes
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As a former writer for the ‘National Lampoon,’ I’ve probably contributed to the sea of sarcasm in which we live.
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Don’t send funny greeting cards on birthdays or at Christmas. Save them for funerals, when their cheery effect is needed.
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The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year’s Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you’re married to.
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Death is so important that God visited death upon his own son, thereby helping us learn right from wrong well enough that we may escape death forever and live eternally in God’s grace.
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Call a man ‘ignorant,’ and you have license to show the world your vast fund of knowledge and wise him up.
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We will win an election when all the seats in the House and Senate and the chair behind the desk in the Oval Office and the whole bench of the Supreme Court are filled with people who wish they weren’t there.
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Why do elites hate the poor? It’s xenophobia. They don’t know any poor people – except their off-the-books Brazilian nanny and illegal immigrant cleaning lady from Upper Revolta who don’t speak English.
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A humorist doesn’t really do that much note-taking.
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A fundamental American question is, ‘What’s the big idea?’
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If you think health care is expensive now, just wait ’til it’s free.
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Barack Obama is more irritating than the other nuisances on the Left.
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Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.
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The mystery of government is not how Washington works but how to make it stop.
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I had always thought of Egypt as a rather secular country. And I think it is, but people are quite observant of the strictures of Ramadan.
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When elites see a homeless person in the gutter, they assume he’s saving a parking place.
P. J. O'ROURKE