I was walking down the street with my friend and he said ‘I hear music,’ as though there’s any other way to take it in. ‘You’re not special. That’s how I receive it too, I tried to taste it, but it did not work’.
MITCH HEDBERGEvery picture of you is when you were younger.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
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I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
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I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
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Every picture of you is when you were younger.
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A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
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Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
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I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, “Hey, do you mind if I join you?” Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
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I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.”
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I like cottage cheese. That’s why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.
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Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
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Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
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I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
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I think football is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
MITCH HEDBERG