On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’
MITCH HEDBERGEvery picture of you is when you were younger.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I like cottage cheese. That’s why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.
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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
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Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.
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I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
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I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, “Don’t worry, Dude. I won’t say anything.”
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You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
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Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
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I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.
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I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
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Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
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I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
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I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
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Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
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Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
MITCH HEDBERG






