They tore out my heart and stomped that sucker flat.
LEWIS GRIZZARDSpring time is the land awakening.
More Lewis Grizzard Quotes
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I’d much rather sit next to a smoker in a restaurant than a nose-blower.
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I came from a big family. As a matter of fact, I never got to sleep alone until I was married.
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It’s difficult to think anything but pleasant thoughts while eating a homegrown tomato.
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I get letters from people who say, ‘What have you got against women?’ What could I possibly have against women? I’ve married three of them.
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If you are not the lead dog, your scenery never changes.
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Mama had an appreciation of the language. She taught me a love of words, of how they should be used and how they can fill a creative soul with a passion and lead to a life’s work.
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Kinky sex involves the use of duck feathers. Perverted sex involves the whole duck.
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Life is a sexually transmitted terminal disease.
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Life is like a dogsled race. If you ain’t the lead dog, the scenery never changes.
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Sex hasn’t been the same since women started enjoying it.
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Money doesn’t grow on trees, and if it did somebody else would own the orchard.
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I finally figured it out, I finally figured out how to find some peace and happiness. I sure would hate for the man upstairs to take me now. But at least I did figure it out.
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When My Love Returns from the Ladies Room, Will I Be Too Old to Care?
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Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.
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I grew up in a very large family in a very small house. I never slept alone until after I was married.
LEWIS GRIZZARD