You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.
JOAN RIVERSTravel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it like that, even at the worst moment you can say: ‘We will laugh tomorrow about this.’ And you do.
More Joan Rivers Quotes
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You have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.
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I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
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Florida wants to change the state’s motto to attract younger people. They’re thinking about: More than just a great place to die.
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Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.
JOAN RIVERS -
We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.
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Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
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I was born in 1962, and the room next to me was 1963.
JOAN RIVERS -
Elizabeth Taylor’s so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
JOAN RIVERS -
If you can’t make fun of yourself, you don’t have any right to make fun of others.
JOAN RIVERS -
I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, ‘Get the hell off my property.’
JOAN RIVERS -
I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian — and I stand by it: He’s the daughter Cher wishes she’d had.
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On the Vanna White diet, you only eat what you can spell.
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I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
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I use a smoke alarm as a timer.
JOAN RIVERS -
I have a million dollar figure but it’s all loose change.
JOAN RIVERS