A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.
H. L. MENCKENA man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married.
More H. L. Mencken Quotes
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The theory seems to be that as long as a man is a failure he is one of God’s children, but that as soon as he succeeds he is taken over by the Devil.
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Under democracy one party always devotes its chief energies to trying to prove that the other party is unfit to rule—and both commonly succeed, and are right.
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Democracy is a pathetic belief in the collective wisdom of individual ignorance.
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People do not expect to find chastity in a whorehouse. Why, then, do they expect to find honesty and humanity in government, a congeries of institutions whose modus operandi consists of lying, cheating, stealing, and if need be, murdering those who resist?
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It doesn’t take a majority to make a rebellion; it takes only a few determined leaders and a sound cause.
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No professional politician is ever actually in favor of public economy. It is his implacable enemy, and he knows it. All professional politicians are dedicated wholeheartedly to waste and corruption. They are the enemies of every decent man.
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It is the classic fallacy of our time that a moron run through a university and decorated with a Ph.D. will thereby cease to be a moron.
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The trouble with fighting for human freedom is that one spends most of one’s time defending scoundrels. For it is against scoundrels that oppressive laws are first aimed, and oppression must be stopped at the beginning if it is to be stopped at all.
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Always remember this: If you don’t attend the funerals of your friends, they will certainly not attend yours.
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The kind of man who demands that government enforce his ideas is always the kind whose ideas are idiotic.
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Sometimes the idiots outvote the sensible people.
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Morality is doing what is right, no matter what you are told. Religion is doing what you are told, no matter what is right.
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Every normal man must be tempted, at times, to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.
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There are two kinds of Europeans: The smart ones, and those who stayed behind.
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A professional politician is a professionally dishonorable man. In order to get anywhere near high office he has to make so many compromises and submit to so many humiliations that he becomes indistinguishable from a streetwalker.
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Laws are no longer made by a rational process of public discussion; they are made by a process of blackmail and intimidation, and they are executed in the same manner
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The most dangerous man to any government is the man who is able to think things out for himself.
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Equality before the law is probably forever unattainable. It is a noble ideal, but it can never be realized, for what men value in this world is not rights but privileges.
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The central belief of every moron is that he is the victim of a mysterious conspiracy against his common rights and true deserts.
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Puritanism. The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
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The State doesn’t just want you to obey, it wants to make you WANT to obey.
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The aim of public education is not to spread enlightenment at all; it is simply to reduce as many individuals as possible to the same safe level, to breed a standard citizenry, to put down dissent and originality.
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No one in this world, so far as I know – and I have searched the records for years, and employed agents to help me – has ever lost money by underestimating the intelligence of the great masses of the plain people.
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It is inaccurate to say that I hate everything. I am strongly in favor of common sense, common honesty, and common decency. This makes me forever ineligible for public office.
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Misogynist: A man who hates women as much as women hate one another.
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It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man.
H. L. MENCKEN