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Home was a place to be only when all other places were closed.

Dick Gregory

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  Just being a Negro doesn’t qualify you to understand the race situation any more than being sick makes you an expert on medicine.

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• 

  Makes you wonder. When I left St. Louis, I was making five dollars a night. Now I’m getting $5,000 a week — for saying the same things out loud I used to say under my breath.

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• 

  Poor is a state of mind you never grow out of, but being broke is just a temporary condition.

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• 

  There’s a God force inside of you that gives you a will to live.

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• 

  I’m not a comic. I’m a humorist.

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• 

  Education means to bring out wisdom. Indoctrination means to push in knowledge.

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• 

  When you have a good mother and no father, God kind of sits in. It’s not enough, but it helps.

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• 

  My mother was the sweetest lady who ever lived on this planet, but if you tried to tell her that Jesus wasn’t a Christian, she would stomp you to death.

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• 

  You know why Madison Avenue advertising has never done well in Harlem? We’re the only ones who know what it means to be Brand X.

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• 

  Hell hath no fury like a liberal scorned.

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• 

  When I was a boy, I was taught never to use insulting expressions like, ‘I’ve been gypped,’ or, ‘He welshed on the deal.’

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• 

  You hear entertainers all the time, saying, ‘If I couldn’t get paid for this, I’d do it for free.’ When’s the last time you ever heard a business person say, ‘If I couldn’t get paid for being chairman of British Petroleum, I’d do it for free?’

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• 

  We thought I was going to be a great athlete, and we were wrong, and I thought I was going to be a great entertainer, and that wasn’t it either. I’m going to be an American Citizen. First-class.

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• 

  I never learned hate at home, or shame. I had to go to school for that.

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• 

  In most places in the country, voting is looked upon as a right and a duty, but in Chicago, it’s a sport.

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• 

  When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me 85 dollars. That is why in the Navy the Captain goes down with the ship.

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