“I’m a Communist by day and a Catholic as soon as it gets dark.”

And two balls minus one, six titles at the tour de France.

You made one mistake. You married me.

It’s not that comedy has changed in terms of what’s funny. For me, it’s changed in that sometimes I don’t feel my finger is on the pulse.

I have a total irreverence for anything connected with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper and the old men and old women warmer in the winter and happier in the summer.

Every cripple has his own way of walking.

I’m into sincerity in music and sincerity in art. If it doesn’t feel true, I don’t want to do it. Things that are too dramatic scare me. I think that’s why I don’t always fit into the world of performing arts.

Whatever you hold in contempt is your jailer.

I was court-martialled in my absence, and sentenced to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence.

A general and a bit of shooting makes you forget your troubles … it takes your mind off the cost of living.

Most horror movies are certainly that.

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.

I saw a notice that said “Drink Canada Dry” and I’ve just started.

An author’s first duty is to let down his country.

I have never been brought up a Catholic – I mean, a Roman Catholic – we’re all Catholics, aren’t we? We’re Protestant Catholics, whether we’re from Methodist or Baptist or what.

I am a Catholic. Basically, the Catholic religion is ‘If it feels good – stop.’

And I myself a Catholic will be, So far at least, great saint, to pray to thee. Hail, Bard triumphant! and some care bestow On us, the Poets militant below.

I’m a lapsed Buddhist like I’m a lapsed Catholic. I take it to a point.

I was raised a Catholic and when you’re raised a Catholic they don’t teach you to think for yourself. You’re taught not to think too deeply about things.

I was raised Catholic, but my father’s people were Methodist, so we went to both churches.

I like the catholicity in time: our tradition is one of 2,000 years.

The truth of our faith becomes a matter of ridicule among the infidels if any Catholic, not gifted with the necessary scientific learning, presents as dogma what scientific scrutiny shows to be false.