“An author’s first duty is to let down his country.”

And two balls minus one, six titles at the tour de France.

You made one mistake. You married me.

It’s not that comedy has changed in terms of what’s funny. For me, it’s changed in that sometimes I don’t feel my finger is on the pulse.

I have a total irreverence for anything connected with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper and the old men and old women warmer in the winter and happier in the summer.

Every cripple has his own way of walking.

I’m into sincerity in music and sincerity in art. If it doesn’t feel true, I don’t want to do it. Things that are too dramatic scare me. I think that’s why I don’t always fit into the world of performing arts.

Whatever you hold in contempt is your jailer.

I was court-martialled in my absence, and sentenced to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence.

A general and a bit of shooting makes you forget your troubles … it takes your mind off the cost of living.

Most horror movies are certainly that.

I’m a Communist by day and a Catholic as soon as it gets dark.

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.

I saw a notice that said “Drink Canada Dry” and I’ve just started.

You slammed my face down on the barbecue grill, now my scars are all healing, but my heart never will.

We need to make some real fundamental change from the Constitution down in this country.

I think it gives a symbolic boost, as well as those shows do bring down some monetary investments in the city.

Almost every cartoonist, when he’s sitting down to draw a funny face.

Baltimore is just embarking down this road.

I live in one of the coastal cities in Southern California, and every so often I like to take a walk down the boardwalk in Venice during the weekends when it is abuzz with lively activity.

Watching the scenes out of New Orleans, if you turn down the sound it could be the Sudan or any Third World country. But it’s not. it’s the United States of America.

It was a compromise. There was a sense that I could write my own memoirs, and Larry [Grobel] would help me down the line, or maybe not, maybe he was too close to me.