There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.
BILLY CONNOLLYI don’t know why I should have to learn Algebra… I’m never likely to go there.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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I am totally, absolutely romantic. When I broke up with a girl I would listen to the most heart-breaking music and make it worse. That’s what girls do. I think I am a girl really.
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Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.
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Never trust people who’ve only got one book.
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Killing a guy and stealing his wife and child isn’t too nice a thing to do.
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I spent the whole time battering people I liked and singing with my arm round people I loathed.
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As soon as I got successful, the Scottish press started picking on me. It’s something they reserve just for me.
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There’s no such thing as bad weather – only the wrong clothes.
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I started to draw desert islands. They were just rough, shapes in the middle of the page. Then I began drawing shapes within those shapes and I was amazed how quickly the islands got better. It took off from there.
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Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?
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The religion in Scotland is one of the most patronising things… after the weather.
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If I had a hammer, there’d be no more folksingers.
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I don’t think I’ve ever died on stage. I’ve had jokes that died on stage. I’ve told a joke and absolutely nothing. They didn’t know it was the end of the joke.
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It’s my mind, and I reserve the right to change it as often as I like.
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Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?
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When you involved in an accident and someone asks “are you alright?” Yes fine thanks, I’ll just pick up my limbs and be off.
BILLY CONNOLLY