Chic Murray once told me he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, “Did you fall?” He said, “No, I’m tryin’ to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket.”
BILLY CONNOLLYI don’t know why I should have to learn Algebra… I’m never likely to go there.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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I think the longer Britain is in Europe the better.
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It’s my mind, and I reserve the right to change it as often as I like.
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Acting is a different discipline. On stage I’m free to say what I please. But the change is very good for ya.
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If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?
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American sex shops are the most bizarre. They sell these inflatable dolls, but they also sell just the head — supposedly for people to drive along the highway with.
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People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that’s an image I really didn’t need.
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If I had a hammer, there’d be no more folksingers.
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If you want to lose a bit of weight, don’t eat anything out of a bucket.
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I don’t believe in angels and I have trouble with the whole God thing. I don’t want to say I don’t believe in God, but I don’t think I do. But I believe in people who do.
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There’s nothing better than a fight, especially when you’re watching it from a safe place. You can yell encouragement! Hit him with the left, he’s a big Jessie!
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Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
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I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce.
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A mate of mine has just told me he’s shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said “her brothers got a moustache!”
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I’m a big fan of the Mars Bar Diet. You don’t eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your arse and let a rottweiler chase you home.
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Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?
BILLY CONNOLLY