Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international language, it has no swear words.
BILLY CONNOLLYI hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather. There’s no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning. … That can keep me awake for days.
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I’ve been a poser for f–ing years. I say, pose your arse off. You know, have a laugh.
BILLY CONNOLLY -
If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?
BILLY CONNOLLY -
So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?
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The religion in Scotland is one of the most patronising things… after the weather.
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I don’t understand art-speak. My pictures are big doodles. I’m amazed what people come up with when they look at them.
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I became a welder. I was actually becoming an Engineer and I joined the wrong queue. And so I became a welder, without knowing what a welder was.
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I was brought up a Catholic, for that you get an A level in guilt.
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There’s a fine line you have to tread because you don’t know who is out there in the auditorium. A lot of people are too easily offended.
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Whenever I wear something expensive it looks stolen.
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I once travelled to Adelaide on Emu Airways. I was 5,000 ft up in the air when someone pointed out to me that emus can’t fly
BILLY CONNOLLY -
Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways.
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I’m not going to throw away the hand of friendship to suit 100 Trotskyites in Glasgow.
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Chic Murray once told me he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, “Did you fall?” He said, “No, I’m tryin’ to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket.”
BILLY CONNOLLY -
Life is supposed to be fun. It’s not a job or occupation. We’re here only once and we should have a bit of a laugh.
BILLY CONNOLLY