The religion in Scotland is one of the most patronising things… after the weather.
BILLY CONNOLLYI hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather. There’s no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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I hate those earnest TV documentaries that are the world according to people with glasses who know better than you.
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I don’t aim to offend.
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As soon as I got successful, the Scottish press started picking on me. It’s something they reserve just for me.
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I’ve never done a comedy club in my life. It’s weird because I don’t have the same background as most comics. I don’t have a history of going up and only doing eight minutes.
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Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways.
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A mate of mine has just told me he’s shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said “her brothers got a moustache!”
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The world needs more Edwin Morgans, people who can take the language and swing it round their heads and don’t care what you think.
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In Mexico, everything on the menu is the same dish. The only difference is the way it’s folded.
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I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce – my main thrust was the body and its functions and malfunctions – the absurdity of the thing.
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Outgrew the media… The negativity felt like a disease.
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Don’t tell me how to do my job. I don’t come to your workplace and tell you how to sweep up.
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I don’t think I’ve ever died on stage. I’ve had jokes that died on stage. I’ve told a joke and absolutely nothing. They didn’t know it was the end of the joke.
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Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international language, it has no swear words.
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There’s no such thing as bad weather – only the wrong clothes.
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When people say “it’s always the last place you look”. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it?
BILLY CONNOLLY







