There’s no such thing as bad weather – only the wrong clothes.
BILLY CONNOLLYA mate of mine has just told me he’s shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said “her brothers got a moustache!”
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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I’m a big fan of the Mars Bar Diet. You don’t eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your arse and let a rottweiler chase you home.
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The religion in Scotland is one of the most patronising things… after the weather.
BILLY CONNOLLY -
It’s my mind, and I reserve the right to change it as often as I like.
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People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that’s an image I really didn’t need.
BILLY CONNOLLY -
My advice to you, if you want to lose a bit of weight: don’t eat anything that comes in a bucket. Buckets are the kitchen utensils of the farmyard.
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I decided to stop drinking while it was still my idea.
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A well-balanced person has a drink in each hand.
BILLY CONNOLLY -
Oh aye…my Father would thrash me every now and then. He’d talk while he did it too! He’d hit me and shout, ‘Have ye had enough?’ Had enough? Whit kind of question is that? ‘Why, Father, would another kick in the balls be out of the question???’
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I don’t aim to offend.
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I used to be a folk singer, but I was… dreadful. I had a voice like a goose farting in the fog.
BILLY CONNOLLY -
I used to have Mad Cow’s disease, but I’m alright Nooooooooow.
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Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international language, it has no swear words.
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Don’t tell me how to do my job. I don’t come to your workplace and tell you how to sweep up.
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Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
BILLY CONNOLLY -
Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways.
BILLY CONNOLLY