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A mate of mine has just told me he’s shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said “her brothers got a moustache!”

Billy Connolly

I’d never consciously left home to see a zombie movie. They were fine by me, but I had no intention of ever being in one. But I’ve been learning more about it as I’ve been doing interviews. I
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Consciously Home Intention Numbers People
I’m a huge film star… but you have to hurry to the movies, because I usually die in the first 15 f–ing minutes. I’m the only guy I know who died in a f–ing Muppet movie.
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Firsts Guy Minute Movie Stars
I was brought up as a Catholic. I’ve got A-level guilt.
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Brought Catholic Guilt Level
I’ve always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can’t tell to an audience.
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Audience Differences Offended People You
I used to be a folk singer, but I was… dreadful. I had a voice like a goose farting in the fog.
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Fog Singer Voice
I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce.
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Crosses Malfunction
If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?
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Funny Humor Jesus
If you haven’t heard a good rumour by 11:00am, start one.
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Havens Heard Rumours
Killing a guy and stealing his wife and child isn’t too nice a thing to do.
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Children Nice Wife
I don’t understand art-speak. My pictures are big doodles. I’m amazed what people come up with when they look at them.
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Art Doodle People Speak Two
Without arts programmes there’s only reality TV, and reality TV needs the arts to show it what reality is.
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Art Needs Reality
There’s nothing better than a fight, especially when you’re watching it from a safe place. You can yell encouragement! Hit him with the left, he’s a big Jessie!
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Encouragement Fighting Safe Watching
Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it’s easy – you simply look under the kilt, and if it’s a quarter-pounder, you know it’s a McDonald’s.
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Country Kilts Looks Mcdonalds Quater
I don’t think I’ve ever died on stage. I’ve had jokes that died on stage. I’ve told a joke and absolutely nothing. They didn’t know it was the end of the joke.
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Absolutely End Jokes Stage Thinking
I think of my life as a series of moments and I’ve found that the great moments often don’t have too much to them.
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Huge Love Simply Thinking You
There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.
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Country Seasons Travel Winter

A mate of mine has just told me he’s shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said “her brothers got a moustache!”

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A mate of mine has just told me he’s shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said “her brothers got a moustache!”

Related Topics

Popular Authors

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