Scotland has the only football team in the world that does a lap of disgrace.
BILLY CONNOLLYDon’t tell me how to do my job. I don’t come to your workplace and tell you how to sweep up.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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I’ve always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can’t tell to an audience.
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didn’t even know there were specialist zombie magazines and clubs. I heard the other day that a radio station had asked people if they`d made preparations for an attack by zombies, and a staggering number of people replied yes!
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Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.
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I loved Japan. I used to read a lot about it when I was a child. And I always wanted to go. And it was delightful. I absolutely loved it. What a smashing place.
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When people say “it’s always the last place you look”. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it?
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I’d never consciously left home to see a zombie movie. They were fine by me, but I had no intention of ever being in one. But I’ve been learning more about it as I’ve been doing interviews. I
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Don’t work out, work in.
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Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?
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Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways.
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The human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. How do we ever get started.
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My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.
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I’m not going to throw away the hand of friendship to suit 100 Trotskyites in Glasgow.
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I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning. … That can keep me awake for days.
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So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?
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If you haven’t heard a good rumour by 11:00am, start one.
BILLY CONNOLLY