My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.
BILLY CONNOLLYWhen you involved in an accident and someone asks “are you alright?” Yes fine thanks, I’ll just pick up my limbs and be off.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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My advice to you, if you want to lose a bit of weight: don’t eat anything that comes in a bucket. Buckets are the kitchen utensils of the farmyard.
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[To audience members who were arriving late] You haven’t missed a thing, I was just killing time ’til you got here.
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It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he’s telling them all different things.
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There’s nothing better than a fight, especially when you’re watching it from a safe place. You can yell encouragement! Hit him with the left, he’s a big Jessie!
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A lot of people are too easily offended. Religious people, for instance. They’ve been offending other people for centuries.
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I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.
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When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, “Has the bus come yet?”. If the bus came would I be standing here?
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Once you become successful, people know where you live, the type of house you live in, the kind of car you drive, the clothes you wear, and so it would be patronising to go and talk like a welder. Welding’s a mystery to me now. You can’t go back, your life changes every day.
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I don’t have wild dogs chasing people with scripts away from my door. I get my share. I’ve done okay. But I usually do independent stuff because that’s mostly what I’m offered.
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I think age is terribly overrated. You’re okay as long as you don’t grow up. By all means grow old, but don’t mature. Remain childlike, retain wonder, the ability to be flabbergasted by something.
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Don’t tell me how to do my job. I don’t come to your workplace and tell you how to sweep up.
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The more you know the less the better.
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For me, it’s about the desire to win. My audience becomes a crowd of wild animals and I have to be the lion-tamer or be eaten.
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I spent the whole time battering people I liked and singing with my arm round people I loathed.
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I’ve been a poser for f–ing years. I say, pose your arse off. You know, have a laugh.
BILLY CONNOLLY