There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.
BILLY CONNOLLYThere’s nothing like it, but it’s not as good as you think it’s going to be. . . . I was disappointed because there are records of people finding things that have been there for years. I was hoping for a shirt button, or my club’s badge – but not a sausage.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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If I had a hammer, there’d be no more folksingers.
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The human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. How do we ever get started.
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I still do my comedy and my performance stuff and my acting so it’s not all-consuming. But I do find myself drawing more and more these days.
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I always look skint. When I buy a Big Issue, people take it out of my hand and give me a pound.
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Save the Trees? Trees are the main cause of Forest Fires!
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I loved Japan. I used to read a lot about it when I was a child. And I always wanted to go. And it was delightful. I absolutely loved it. What a smashing place.
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I hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather. There’s no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing.
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Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it’s easy – you simply look under the kilt, and if it’s a quarter-pounder, you know it’s a McDonald’s.
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In Mexico, everything on the menu is the same dish. The only difference is the way it’s folded.
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I don’t think I’ve ever died on stage. I’ve had jokes that died on stage. I’ve told a joke and absolutely nothing. They didn’t know it was the end of the joke.
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I was brought up a Catholic, for that you get an A level in guilt.
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If you want to lose a bit of weight, don’t eat anything out of a bucket.
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Oh aye…my Father would thrash me every now and then. He’d talk while he did it too! He’d hit me and shout, ‘Have ye had enough?’ Had enough? Whit kind of question is that? ‘Why, Father, would another kick in the balls be out of the question???’
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Behind the proscenium arch, you can’t always hear what people in the audience are saying.
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I don’t know why I should have to learn Algebra… I’m never likely to go there.
BILLY CONNOLLY