I’ve never done a comedy club in my life. It’s weird because I don’t have the same background as most comics. I don’t have a history of going up and only doing eight minutes.
BILLY CONNOLLYChic Murray once told me he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, “Did you fall?” He said, “No, I’m tryin’ to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket.”
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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There’s an element of manners that should tell you that the ticket is dear and it’s a different venue.
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I don’t have wild dogs chasing people with scripts away from my door. I get my share. I’ve done okay. But I usually do independent stuff because that’s mostly what I’m offered.
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Don’t vote, it only encourages them.
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If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?
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Don’t buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They’re bastards, and they do it on purpose.
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I was brought up as a Catholic. I’ve got A-level guilt.
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American sex shops are the most bizarre. They sell these inflatable dolls, but they also sell just the head — supposedly for people to drive along the highway with.
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I always look skint. When I buy a Big Issue, people take it out of my hand and give me a pound.
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Don’t tell me how to do my job. I don’t come to your workplace and tell you how to sweep up.
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I can’t believe in Christianity, but I think Jesus was a wonderful teacher.
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The strangest thing is at tea breaks, or coffee breaks or lunch, you forget you’re a zombie. And you’re talking about politics to somebody at the table and you forget that you have a bullet hole in your forehead.
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A fart is just your arse applauding.
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Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
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As soon as I got successful, the Scottish press started picking on me. It’s something they reserve just for me.
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I think the longer Britain is in Europe the better.
BILLY CONNOLLY







