As soon as I got successful, the Scottish press started picking on me. It’s something they reserve just for me.
BILLY CONNOLLYChic Murray once told me he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, “Did you fall?” He said, “No, I’m tryin’ to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket.”
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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For me, it’s about the desire to win. My audience becomes a crowd of wild animals and I have to be the lion-tamer or be eaten.
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I’ve always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can’t tell to an audience.
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Don’t work out, work in.
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A fart is just your arse applauding.
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Don’t buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They’re bastards, and they do it on purpose.
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I spent the whole time battering people I liked and singing with my arm round people I loathed.
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Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international language, it has no swear words.
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I once travelled to Adelaide on Emu Airways. I was 5,000 ft up in the air when someone pointed out to me that emus can’t fly
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I hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather. There’s no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing.
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I don’t have wild dogs chasing people with scripts away from my door. I get my share. I’ve done okay. But I usually do independent stuff because that’s mostly what I’m offered.
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I started to draw desert islands. They were just rough, shapes in the middle of the page. Then I began drawing shapes within those shapes and I was amazed how quickly the islands got better. It took off from there.
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Never trust people who’ve only got one book.
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I was brought up as a Catholic. I’ve got A-level guilt.
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There’s no such thing as bad weather – only the wrong clothes.
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I can’t believe in Christianity, but I think Jesus was a wonderful teacher.
BILLY CONNOLLY







