If you want to lose a bit of weight, don’t eat anything out of a bucket.
BILLY CONNOLLYChic Murray once told me he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, “Did you fall?” He said, “No, I’m tryin’ to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket.”
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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I’ve always liked it here. Part of me is Irish. My family comes from the west coast, so whenever I come to Ireland I get a wee tingling in my heart that I’m where I belong.
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I started to draw desert islands. They were just rough, shapes in the middle of the page. Then I began drawing shapes within those shapes and I was amazed how quickly the islands got better. It took off from there.
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Politically correct is the language of cowardice.
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I’ve never done a comedy club in my life. It’s weird because I don’t have the same background as most comics. I don’t have a history of going up and only doing eight minutes.
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The religion in Scotland is one of the most patronising things… after the weather.
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When I was 12, we went from Glasgow to Aberdeen on a school trip. It was called fresh air fortnight.
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Don’t tell me how to do my job. I don’t come to your workplace and tell you how to sweep up.
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The great thing about Glasgow is that if there’s a nuclear attack it’ll look exactly the same afterwards.
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Life is supposed to be fun. It’s not a job or occupation. We’re here only once and we should have a bit of a laugh.
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[To audience members who were arriving late] You haven’t missed a thing, I was just killing time ’til you got here.
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Oh aye…my Father would thrash me every now and then. He’d talk while he did it too! He’d hit me and shout, ‘Have ye had enough?’ Had enough? Whit kind of question is that? ‘Why, Father, would another kick in the balls be out of the question???’
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It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he’s telling them all different things.
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Once you become successful, people know where you live, the type of house you live in, the kind of car you drive, the clothes you wear, and so it would be patronising to go and talk like a welder. Welding’s a mystery to me now. You can’t go back, your life changes every day.
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A lot of people are too easily offended. Religious people, for instance. They’ve been offending other people for centuries.
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I don’t know why I should have to learn Algebra… I’m never likely to go there.
BILLY CONNOLLY