Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways.
BILLY CONNOLLYChic Murray once told me he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, “Did you fall?” He said, “No, I’m tryin’ to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket.”
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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I don’t understand art-speak. My pictures are big doodles. I’m amazed what people come up with when they look at them.
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People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
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didn’t even know there were specialist zombie magazines and clubs. I heard the other day that a radio station had asked people if they`d made preparations for an attack by zombies, and a staggering number of people replied yes!
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A well-balanced person has a drink in each hand.
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Don’t buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They’re bastards, and they do it on purpose.
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If you haven’t heard a good rumour by 11:00am, start one.
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My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
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It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he’s telling them all different things.
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I’m a huge film star… but you have to hurry to the movies, because I usually die in the first 15 f–ing minutes. I’m the only guy I know who died in a f–ing Muppet movie.
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I hate those earnest TV documentaries that are the world according to people with glasses who know better than you.
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Revolution was written into the U.S. Constitution so it’s like they’re in a constant state of revolution. But then again, happiness is written into their constitution as well, which makes them pretty unique.
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I used to be a folk singer, but I was… dreadful. I had a voice like a goose farting in the fog.
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When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, “Has the bus come yet?”. If the bus came would I be standing here?
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Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it’s easy – you simply look under the kilt, and if it’s a quarter-pounder, you know it’s a McDonald’s.
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I became a welder. I was actually becoming an Engineer and I joined the wrong queue. And so I became a welder, without knowing what a welder was.
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