I spent the whole time battering people I liked and singing with my arm round people I loathed.
BILLY CONNOLLYChic Murray once told me he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, “Did you fall?” He said, “No, I’m tryin’ to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket.”
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?
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I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
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I used to have Mad Cow’s disease, but I’m alright Nooooooooow.
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People die all the time. It’s just that you’re not around.
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The more you know the less the better.
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There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.
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Life is supposed to be fun. It’s not a job or occupation. We’re here only once and we should have a bit of a laugh.
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I still do my comedy and my performance stuff and my acting so it’s not all-consuming. But I do find myself drawing more and more these days.
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Don’t vote, it only encourages them.
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My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.
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Don’t work out, work in.
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I’ve been a poser for f–ing years. I say, pose your arse off. You know, have a laugh.
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American sex shops are the most bizarre. They sell these inflatable dolls, but they also sell just the head — supposedly for people to drive along the highway with.
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Wisdom isn’t an old guy on top of a mountain in a loin cloth. It isn’t an answer. It’s a question.
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I hate all those weathermen, too, who tell you that rain is bad weather. There’s no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothing.
BILLY CONNOLLY