“I used to drink, I did, I had to quit. Man, I was an embarrassing drunk. I’d get pulled over by the cops, I’d be so drunk I’d be out dancing to their lights thinking I’d made it to another club.”

Rather than life just rolling over you, and you wake up and it’s Thursday, and what happened to Monday? Whatever the best part of my life has been, has been as a result of that remembering.

….All drugs should be legal. War is wrong. The rich get richer. The poor get poorer. Thank you. I’ll be here all week.

Mummy, I woke today and there was a Lincoln Log in me sock drawer! … That’s the story of Jesus.

How do I know the Bible isn’t the word of God? Well if it was the word of God it would be clear and easy to understand…considering God was the creator of LANGUAGE!

I’m just trying to rid the world of all these fevered egos that are tainting our collective unconscious.

Don’t look at the hole in the doughnut. Look at the whole doughnut.

I consider myself to be flawed, but I made it work. I’m not perfect. Anybody who thinks they are is whacked-out.

All day long you see those commercials: ‘Here’s Your Brain, Just Say No’…and the next commercial is: ‘This Bud’s For You.’

If we might be able to save this world, how can we walk away? Too many people around here have given up! Galloran said heroes sacrifice for causes; they do things that others hide from. I may not be some great hero, but I won’t hide from this. I would never live with myself.

Seeing ahead is fun. But pushing is very hard work.

Folks, it’s time to evolve. That’s why we’re troubled. You know why our institutions are failing us, the church, the state, everything’s failing? It’s because, um – they’re no longer relevant. We’re supposed to keep evolving. Evolution did not end with us growing opposable thumbs. You do know that, right?

Oh my God. Lift me up out of this illusion, Lord. Heal my perception that I might know only reality and only you.

We have to modernize how we make laws.

People say to me, Hey, Bill, the war made us feel better about ourselves. Really? What kind of people are these with such low self-esteem that they need a war to feel better about themselves?

I’m very tired of staring out into your vacant faces looking back at me. Wanting to fill your empty lives with humor you couldn’t possibly think of yourself… Good evening!

Caffeine from Monday to Friday to energize you enough to make you a productive member of society, and alcohol from Friday to Monday to keep you too stupid to figure out the prison that you are living in.

It’s very embarrassing to be put on the spot.

It’s all right leaping about the stage when you’re 20 but when you get to 25 it gets a bit embarrassing

I struggle to learn by rote. I’ve had meltdowns on set. Which is embarrassing and shameful.

It’s a little embarrassing that after 45 years of research & study, the best advice I can give people is to be a little kinder to each other.

The country of the tourist pamphlet always is another country, an embarrassing abstraction of the desirable that, thank God, does not exist on this planet, where there are always ants and bad smells and empty Coca-Cola bottles to keep the grubby finger-print of reality upon the beautiful.

The internet makes it much easier for politicians to communicate directly with voters – think of the interest when David [Cameron] launched WebCameron, or Tony Blair’s rather embarrassing attempt to catch up on YouTube.

I don’t know if I was always an open person, but I think stand-up comics specifically have this way of running towards embarrassing things.

It’s embarrassing when you try to overthrow the government and you wind up on the Best Seller’s List.