It’s like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway.
BILL ENGVALLI’d love to be a woman for one day of my life… God… I would be drunk with power.
More Bill Engvall Quotes
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Just when I think the human race has been lost to the “what about me” people. I see the best we have to offer helping others.
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Yesterday, my son was out in the yard playing with his friend, and he hit his friend. I walked up to him, and I said, “Hey… We don’t hit”. He looked at me like, “Here’s your sign, Dad”.
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How about this, have you ever farted so hard you shivered?
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I saw them, and I saw him see them. But she was too close for me to go, “Dude, shut up.” She hadn’t walked two feet behind us and he goes “God dang, did you see the SIZE of those things?” And all I could say was “Yeah, I did!”
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I arrived home the other day, and it was just pouring rain out side so buy the time I get from the car to the front door I am soaked.
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Because we’ve become so ecologically minded now, they have developed a product called Rapidly Dissolving Toilet Paper. Just how rapidly are we talking? ‘Cause I don’t want to have to play Beat the Clock in the thicket.
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My friend comes over and says Hey, you moving? Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here’s your sign.
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I believe that anyone who wants to wear a thong should have to go through an application process.
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I was always the Class Clown and over time became very good at it. I started doing comedy on stage at the Dallas Comedy Corner where I honed my skills by watching guys like Garry Shandling, Robin Williams, Jay Lena and more.
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The human brain doesn’t come with an instruction manual.
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You know your getting older when you lay in bed til 10am and think to yourself god I just wasted half the day.
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I swear to you, I am the cheapest drunk on the planet. It takes nothing to get me loopy and doing stupid stuff. Yeah. Some of you like that? Well… like riding an electric floor buffer for a shot of tequila. Did it!
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I might have tried bungee jumping, until I saw that video of that guy whose cord came untied. He didn’t know it ’till he hit the ground.
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I’ve come up with the three things you never want to hear at your kid’s parent/teacher conference.
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I was a dork hunter. That’s hard to do. I fell out of a tree.
BILL ENGVALL