A condom is a rubber thing shaped like a wiener that hums.
BILL ENGVALLLadies, you wake up tomorrow and the newspaper reads Scientists have discovered a way for men to experience childbirth. That would be awesome.
More Bill Engvall Quotes
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I was sitting on a plane that is traveling towards Seattle. And the guy next to me turns and says to me Hey, you going to Seattle?. Nope, San Francisco… I’ll be parachuting off in about an hour. Here’s your sign!
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Ma’am, when I got up this morning, I didn’t want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.
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I’ve never read a kayak manual, but I’m pretty sure page one says ‘Use in water.’
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How about this, have you ever farted so hard you shivered?
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I was traveling down the road with a buddy and there’s a guy driving around in a jeep with a dead deer strapped to the hood.
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I was a dork hunter. That’s hard to do. I fell out of a tree.
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I believe that anyone who wants to wear a thong should have to go through an application process.
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I now know why old men like women with really big boobs. They see a trend. I mean, they call it a nursing home, hello.
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Ladies, you wake up tomorrow and the newspaper reads Scientists have discovered a way for men to experience childbirth. That would be awesome.
BILL ENGVALL -
Ketchup is great on hamburgers, but if some gets on your shirt, that does not make your shirt also a hamburger.
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You can’t tell somebody to kiss your ass on a scooter!
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You get one piece every four to six weeks, you don’t know what kind of shape that piece is gonna be in when you get it, but you still gotta pay the handling charges.
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I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.
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I was born in Galveston, Texas in 1957 in the middle of a hurricane.
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You can’t climb a tile wall.
BILL ENGVALL